I’m one of those elitist cocksuckers who put people into categories. I can’t help it. I was a library aid/football player in high school. Yes, I was indeed a literate fuckwit. I’m not proud of my teenage years, nor do I like to ruminate on them, but it explains a great deal about me. For one, I like to organize people into certain groups (like most jocks and meatheads) but not in the way you might think, because I tend to be compassionate (like most nerds and geeks). I’m a saint, really. Which brings me to today’s topic.
There are, as I see it, three types of readers. The first group reads for fun. These are your escapists. The second group reads for education purposes only. Mind you, I said only. Yes, there are readers who cross these lines, but they’re like unicorns. Sure, they exist, but I’ve never met one. The final group are your (assuming that he does actually know how to read…) Kanye Wests. They know how to read, but they choose not to for one reason or another. They waste their literacy like Americans waste food. There are starving children in Africa, and most of them are illiterate too. Imagine being hungry and not able to read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! .
On a serious note, I’d like to ask you a question. Are their different categories for the illiterate? Ah, now we have a discussion topic. Let’s take the three reader categories I mentioned above and use their attributes to categorize the illiterate.
1) Your escapist illiterate does everything in their power to avoid learning how to read. They will become violent, and thug-fuck you with their rage boner. It’s not a pleasant sight, really. For some reason that still eludes me, these souls think that being educated is lame. They lounge in their laziness, and more than likely smell funny. After all, if you refuse to learn how to read, how will you ever tell the difference between the hot and cold tab on your tub’s faucet?
2) Your education-deprived illiterate wouldn’t mind learning to read but has no one to learn from. This is probably the saddest case on this list, and I don’t feel that joking about it will do anyone any good. I would venture a guess, though, and say that these are the individuals that need the escape of reading the most. Whether it be residency in a third-world country, or simply neglectful parents, those that are denied basic education draw a tear adown my cheek. I want to give them a ticket to Hogwarts, or a time machine, or even a simple trip to the shire. I want to help them forget about callous and fucked up this world can be.
3) And, finally, your hidden illiterates. Once again, your Kanye Wests (ZING!) Those that pretend they can read out of shame, as if not being literate makes them less of a person. As if it makes someone an idiot. Simply not knowing how to read does not make you a good or bad person, and it doesn’t make you stupid. I know, my father was one of those people. He was many things, but he wasn’t stupid. He chose life experience over book-learning, and though he was a horrible human being, his illiteracy had nothing to do with that. So, yeah, being illiterate makes life a bit more difficult, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
What do you think? Am I right? Am I wrong? Discuss in the comment section below.
It’s good to be back. I’ll see you guys next week. Love yo face!
Children’s Literacy Initiative
(Author’s Note: If you found an error in today’s post, a typo or what have you, calm down. These things happen. Take a deep breath, have a coke and a smile, and maybe take up a career as an air traffic controller. This blog is not professionally edited. It’s a conversation, and I plan to keep it that way. Now, the books I sell, that’s a different story. Have a lovely day.)