An Interview with Edward Lorn

edwardlorn:

Billybumblers, Chipotle, and Friendship: An interview with yours truly.

Originally posted on Cat After Dark:

EdwardLorn

1) What’s your earliest memory about storytelling?

One morning, my mother was walking me to school. The route we took passed a construction site. Just beyond the chain link fence was a mound of dirt about twenty feet high, and another one around five feet. I pointed to the larger mound and said, “There’re bodies under there.”

Mom gave me an odd look. “How do you know that?”

Because I can see them. In my brain.”

Well, what’s under the smaller pile?”

I smiled. “The heads.”

Undeterred, my mother asked, “Do you think I should call the cops?”

I nodded. “I think that would be best.”

That was my first day of kindergarten. I was five years old.

2) If you could live during any era in any land, real or imaginary, where would it be and why?

I could say Oz, because I love the idea of…

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Ruminating On: Reading and Illiteracy

I’m one of those elitist cocksuckers who put people into categories. I can’t help it. I was a library aid/football player in high school. Yes, I was indeed a literate fuckwit. I’m not proud of my teenage years, nor do I like to ruminate on them, but it explains a great deal about me. For one, I like to organize people into certain groups (like most jocks and meatheads) but not in the way you might think, because I tend to be compassionate (like most nerds and geeks). I’m a saint, really. Which brings me to today’s topic.

There are, as I see it, three types of readers. The first group reads for fun. These are your escapists. The second group reads for education purposes only. Mind you, I said only. Yes, there are readers who cross these lines, but they’re like unicorns. Sure, they exist, but I’ve never met one. The final group are your (assuming that he does actually know how to read…) Kanye Wests. They know how to read, but they choose not to for one reason or another. They waste their literacy like Americans waste food. There are starving children in Africa, and most of them are illiterate too. Imagine being hungry and not able to read Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. WHAT A WORLD, WHAT A WORLD! .

On a serious note, I’d like to ask you a question. Are their different categories for the illiterate? Ah, now we have a discussion topic. Let’s take the three reader categories I mentioned above and use their attributes to categorize the illiterate.

1) Your escapist illiterate does everything in their power to avoid learning how to read. They will become violent, and thug-fuck you with their rage boner. It’s not a pleasant sight, really. For some reason that still eludes me, these souls think that being educated is lame. They lounge in their laziness, and more than likely smell funny. After all, if you refuse to learn how to read, how will you ever tell the difference between the hot and cold tab on your tub’s faucet?

2) Your education-deprived illiterate wouldn’t mind learning to read but has no one to learn from. This is probably the saddest case on this list, and I don’t feel that joking about it will do anyone any good. I would venture a guess, though, and say that these are the individuals that need the escape of reading the most. Whether it be residency in a third-world country, or simply neglectful parents, those that are denied basic education draw a tear adown my cheek. I want to give them a ticket to Hogwarts, or a time machine, or even a simple trip to the shire. I want to help them forget about callous and fucked up this world can be.

3) And, finally, your hidden illiterates. Once again, your Kanye Wests (ZING!) Those that pretend they can read out of shame, as if not being literate makes them less of a person. As if it makes someone an idiot. Simply not knowing how to read does not make you a good or bad person, and it doesn’t make you stupid. I know, my father was one of those people. He was many things, but he wasn’t stupid. He chose life experience over book-learning, and though he was a horrible human being, his illiteracy had nothing to do with that. So, yeah, being illiterate makes life a bit more difficult, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

What do you think? Am I right? Am I wrong? Discuss in the comment section below.

It’s good to be back. I’ll see you guys next week. Love yo face!

E.

Children’s Literacy Initiative

(Author’s Note: If you found an error in today’s post, a typo or what have you, calm down. These things happen. Take a deep breath, have a coke and a smile, and maybe take up a career as an air traffic controller. This blog is not professionally edited. It’s a conversation, and I plan to keep it that way. Now, the books I sell, that’s a different story. Have a lovely day.)

Ruminating On Returns!

It’s been quite some time since I actually blogged. Ruminating On was once a weekly deal (even a daily occurrence at one point) but reading and writing have taken up most of my time over the last several months… Holy shit, it’s been almost a year, actually.

For those of you who follow this blog and miss the old days, I wanted to let you know I’ll be returning here weekly for new posts. If you’re unfamiliar with what I do on this website, it’s simple. Ruminating On is a mind dump. My mind dump. Opinions will be brutal and honest. There will be language and adult themes. There will be errors and typos, as I don’t have my posts here professionally edited, but I will try to clean them up as much as possible. In the end, I hope to leave you thinking, because Ruminating On isn’t about me being right, it’s about me and you having a conversation, about trying to find answers in this crazy world. But, mostly, it’s a way for me to remain sane through writing.

I have not decided on a scheduled day for posts (RO used to be on Thursdays), but will most likely began posting again tonight or tomorrow. I hope you’ll join me.

E.

Fog Warning is DONE!

The final draft of Fog Warning – before it goes to editing, anyway – is done. I’ve sent it to a select few to make sure the story is worth showing beta readers, and when I gets it back from these (pre)betas, I will be sending it to those of you who requested it. Then it goes to proper editing and proofreading. We’re that much closer to seeing this joker published!

“Tick, tock, tickety, tock. Time’s slipping away, doc. Better be on your way, or someone’s going to die today!”

 Emergency Room Physician Brent Cummings is harboring secrets he’d rather leave in the shadows of his past. But, when he finds a dead woman in a foggy park, all his skeletons come tumbling out of the closet.

In a deadly race against time, Brent attempts to alter the future so that he might finally let go of the past.
Will he heed the warning in the fog, or will fate prove more dependable than the good doctor?

Discount Copies of CRUELTY in Paperback!

For some odd reason, Createspace sent me a shipment of Cruelty: Episodes One – Five. Oh well, their loss is your gain. These are not the numbered limited edition versions, just the plain old paperbacks that are for sale on Amazon.com. There are eight copies available, as well as one copy of What the Dark Brings: A Collection of Horrors. If you would like your copy signed and/or personalized, please leave a note when checking out through Paypal. All books will ship out Monday morning, or within two days of purchase.

Customers in the U.S. – $8.00 with free shipping.

Customers outside of the U.S. $24.00. (Sorry. Shipping internationally is expensive.)

What the Dark Brings add-on for $5.00 (Note: There is only one copy of What the Dark Brings available for purchase)

If you want to buy What the Dark Brings separately for $8.00, click HERE.

“The Morning Dew” Synopsis and Cover Reveal!

Coming later today (08/14/2014)…

Ten-year-old Jimmy Dougal can’t wait for his sleepover. Twelve hours in the treehouse out back, accompanied by his two best friends, listening to tunes and devouring Fig Newtons… with no parental interference.

During the night, a vicious storm blows in – a storm that terrifies the neighbor’s livestock.

The next morning, all seems right with the world. That is until one of the boys goes missing. Now the two remaining friends must fight to survive…

The Morning Dew

 

Five Essential Ways to Live a Happier Life

1. Don’t worry about anyone else’s sexuality aside from your own. You’re not fucking them, so reduce your stress by not worrying about who they are fucking.

 

2. Only hate food. Food doesn’t give a shit what you think about it, nor does it have any self esteem. So the next time you want to hate someone, hate a fucking apple, or a bit of zucchini. Chop those fuckers up if it makes you feel better. 

 

3. The only color you should concern yourself with is the color of the sky. Blue means good. Gray means wet. White means snow. Black and/or red means the end of days. Worrying about skin color does not affect the weather, and thusly does not affect you. When was the last time a person with a different skin tone rained on you or snowed you in? Exactly. Plus, racism doesn’t require those goofy ass yellow rain slickers, tire chains, or cumbersome umbrellas. 

 

4. The only vagina that matters is the one you own or the one connected to the woman you love. Worrying about what goes in and out of someone else’s vagina, or what lives inside it, is like worrying about a gopher hole in another country. Sure, someone else might break an ankle trying to access or escape it, but they’re of no concern of yours. Neither is anything that grows inside it. Stop worrying about foreign gopher holes!

 

5. No one cares about your political beliefs other than you. The only time your political swerving even enters the minds of Tom, Dick, and Harry is when you hang Tom’s Hairy Dick out for everyone to gawk at. Okay, that didn’t make any sense, and neither does your infatuation with anti-current-president posts or melodramatic shenanigans about how they’re coming to take away your hair curlers. Curlers don’t kill people, people with hairspray do! Your opinion only matters to you and the folks at the voter’s registration booth. Seriously, your Facebook posts will not be the deciding factor in whether or not they impeach the prez or allow illegal immigrants to defecate in your cornflakes.

 

In summation: Follow these five easy tips to reduce the stress in your life, or to simply not be a dickhead. Love is stronger than hate, and your body is no one else’s business aside from your own.