“The Morning Dew” Synopsis and Cover Reveal!

Coming later today (08/14/2014)…

Ten-year-old Jimmy Dougal can’t wait for his sleepover. Twelve hours in the treehouse out back, accompanied by his two best friends, listening to tunes and devouring Fig Newtons… with no parental interference.

During the night, a vicious storm blows in – a storm that terrifies the neighbor’s livestock.

The next morning, all seems right with the world. That is until one of the boys goes missing. Now the two remaining friends must fight to survive…

The Morning Dew

 

Five Essential Ways to Live a Happier Life

1. Don’t worry about anyone else’s sexuality aside from your own. You’re not fucking them, so reduce your stress by not worrying about who they are fucking.

 

2. Only hate food. Food doesn’t give a shit what you think about it, nor does it have any self esteem. So the next time you want to hate someone, hate a fucking apple, or a bit of zucchini. Chop those fuckers up if it makes you feel better. 

 

3. The only color you should concern yourself with is the color of the sky. Blue means good. Gray means wet. White means snow. Black and/or red means the end of days. Worrying about skin color does not affect the weather, and thusly does not affect you. When was the last time a person with a different skin tone rained on you or snowed you in? Exactly. Plus, racism doesn’t require those goofy ass yellow rain slickers, tire chains, or cumbersome umbrellas. 

 

4. The only vagina that matters is the one you own or the one connected to the woman you love. Worrying about what goes in and out of someone else’s vagina, or what lives inside it, is like worrying about a gopher hole in another country. Sure, someone else might break an ankle trying to access or escape it, but they’re of no concern of yours. Neither is anything that grows inside it. Stop worrying about foreign gopher holes!

 

5. No one cares about your political beliefs other than you. The only time your political swerving even enters the minds of Tom, Dick, and Harry is when you hang Tom’s Hairy Dick out for everyone to gawk at. Okay, that didn’t make any sense, and neither does your infatuation with anti-current-president posts or melodramatic shenanigans about how they’re coming to take away your hair curlers. Curlers don’t kill people, people with hairspray do! Your opinion only matters to you and the folks at the voter’s registration booth. Seriously, your Facebook posts will not be the deciding factor in whether or not they impeach the prez or allow illegal immigrants to defecate in your cornflakes.

 

In summation: Follow these five easy tips to reduce the stress in your life, or to simply not be a dickhead. Love is stronger than hate, and your body is no one else’s business aside from your own. 

Scare E: A Contest of Horrors! 2014

scare e 2014

Back in 2012, I started a contest known as Scare E, where I sent out a call for the best horror fiction from today’s up-and-comers as well as the completely unknowns. Now it’s a new year, and I need another horror fix.

The rules are simple:

1. Your story must be no shorter than three thousand words and no longer than ten thousand.

2. Your story must be your own original work.

3. Your story must never have been published. It can be an old story, or a story that you’ve won other contests with, but it cannot have been up for sale anywhere at any time. I will check. And remember, cache copies are a thing. If you’ve had it up for sale, I will find out.

4. Your story must be well edited. I only want the cleanest manuscripts. I don’t care how you format it, what font you use, or if your mother told you it’s the swellest story in all of Christendom; if your story is unedited it will be disqualified and deleted. Great ideas are simply that; great ideas. I want great stories; and great stories are edited stories.

5. Your story must be scary. My personal preference is quiet, unsettling horror, but sometimes I’m in the mood for a bit of disturbia or gore. If you choose to bloody things up or drift off into the surreal, you must be on your game and do it well. The thing lurking in the shadows is far scarier to me than a creature tearing someone’s head off. Also, you might face an uphill battle if your tale involves vampires, werewolves, or zombies. I’m quite tired of overused monsters. I’m not saying great stories cannot include those things, but you should be careful not to revisit old tropes without a bucketful of originality behind you. Consider yourselves forewarned.

Ze contest opens for submissions on October 1st and closes on the 21st day of the same month. If you don’t math good, this means you have exactly three weeks to get your stories in to me after the contest opens. As soon as the clock strikes Midnight (12:00am CST) on October 21st, I’m closing her down. All stories submitted after that time will go directly to my junk folder, where a ravenous cyber troll will feast upon your hard work and crap out piles of useless kilobytes. The winner will be announced at high noon on Halloween (October 31st, 2014). One talented (not lucky, but talented) individual will win a $50 Amazon gift card or five Audible credits. It’s up to the winner which one they prefer. Due to restrictions on international rewards, this contest is only available to residents of the United States. I hate this, believe me, but I am unable to award gift cards and credits to persons residing outside of the US. Blame the Mighty ‘Zon, not me.

This year, as a special added bonus, the winner will also receive a professional cover and formatting so that they can upload their piece to Amazon.com and sell their story for further profit.

The rest is up to you. Get to writing, and I’ll see you back here on October 1st! May the horror be with you!

E.

William Shakespeare as Written by Popular Novelists

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Feel free to share, but please give credit to E. or Edward Lorn. Thank you.

 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream, by Neil Gaiman

Sympathy had no choice. No, not at all. It was war, death, and sickness that caused it such horrible trouble. Very short, like a terrible dream. And quick, it was, like a shadow. And very, very British.

Her vagina gobbled up the darkness.

 

Romeo & Juliet, by Dean Koontz

But, smart! what golden retriever through yonder window breaks. It is man’s best friend, and Juliet is the blonde, wittily sarcastic love interest. Arise, fair precocious child, and follow the clairvoyant fry cook into danger.

 

Othello, by Chuck Palahniuk

I am Othello’s bubbling rage. Please replace your oar and chains to their upright position.

 

Hamlet, by Stephen King

“A hit! Ayuh, a very palpable hit!”

And hit he was. Because there was blood. Lots of blood. Loads of it. And didn’t it just drip, drip, drip onto the floor?

That’s your life just drip, drip, dripping onto the floor, Hammie. Reminds you of that poor girl, doesn’t it? (what was her name? the one those damn kids dropped that pig blood on?) All drip, drip, dripping and full of fiery rage. She burned down her castle, and ruined the ball. It was the same year that rabid dog trapped that mother and her little boy in their car. You remember. Eventually, everyone remembers.

Now all this party needed was a clown, if you could but dig.

 

The Taming of the Shrew, by James Patterson

SHREW, the new thrill ride by James Patterson. And introducing William Shakespeare.

 

Do you have a popular novelist you’d like to see rewrite a bit of Shakespeare? If so, drop your suggestions in the comment section of this post, and I will do my best.

 

Later!

 

E.

“World’s Greatest Dad” is Free for the Next Five Days!

This one has been free on Goodreads for a while now, but if you want a copy for your Kindle, now is the time to grab it. The short story (which is also featured in my collection WHAT THE DARK BRINGS) is one of my favorite stories that I’ve written. Seeing that it’s kinda sorta a Halloween tale and All Hallow’s Eve is right around the bend (don’t look at me like that, I heard Christmas music at Walgreens last week), I figured I’d drop a freebie on everyone. Click on the cover below to grab your copy today. Enjoy!

 

Oh, and as always, feel free to share wherever you see fit. Thanks!

 

 

 

Click HERE for the UK edition.

Free Lornographic Material through Kindle Unlimited!

All of my titles (aside from Life After Dane) are available through the Kindle Unlimited program. If you’re behind on your Lornographic material, you can catch up easily (and cheaply) by using this nifty service. For a full list of my work, click HERE. Have fun!

 

Join Kindle Unlimited today!

I’m Floored… Thank You So Much!

Less than 12 hours in and A FINAL ACT OF CRUELTY’s IndieGoGo Campaign is already at $505. That’s 39% toward the final goal. I’m speechless. I simply want to say thank you over and over and over and over… You get the drift.

 

I have the best friends and fans in the world. You guys are gonna make me shed some man-tears…

 

E.

 

A FINAL ACT OF CRUELTY IndieGoGo Campaign!

It only took me all day… Sorry about that.

Click on the image below to be taken to the IndieGoGo Campaign for A FINAL ACT OF CRUELTY! Any support will be greatly appreciated. If you cannot donate, please share with anyone you think would be interested in this project. There are several one-of-a-kind prizes, so make sure to read each one. If you have ANY questions, please ask!

Thank you so much for your time and consideration!

Love yo faces!

E.

 

 

 

CRUELTY HAS SHIPPED!

Good news! All pre-orders for CRUELTY: Episodes One – Five (Signed Limited Edition) have been dropped at the post office. Your tracking information should update tomorrow, if not later today, and then you can follow your package’s progress through Paypal.

 

Those of you in the US should expect your books in the next 2-9 business days. Those of you in the UK, Japan, Germany, and Australia should see your copies in two weeks.

 

Thank you for for making this pre-order such a huge success! There will be plenty more to come. The next one on the docket is Bay’s End (Signed Limited Edition Hardcovers). Pre-order for those should start toward the end of August.

 

E.

Sneak Peek at “The Scare Rows” by Edward Lorn

They came in the middle of the night, to the small town of Bay’s End, and by morning the seeds were planted. The ticket booth was set up at the entrance of Fairchild Farm, the hundred acres of carnival land on the east end of town. The sign atop the booth read:

 

The Scare Rows

Halloween Night Only!

All Ages Admitted!

Tickets On Sale October 30!

Open from Twilight until the Last Customer has seen The End!