Tis the season to eat Santa’s mode of transportation. Due to elevation, meat supply, and the lack of a sense of humor results may vary. Cook at your own risk.

(A special thanks to Ty Johnston for supplying today’s topic. Ty is a fellow author. He writes unicorn porn. Or epic fantasy. I can’t remember which. Check him out at http://tyjohnston.blogspot.com/)

The Top Five Reindeer Meat Recipes.

#5. Rudolph’s Balls

2 pounds of red-nosed reindeer, 3 eggs, 4 hooves, red dye #12, and 1 oz plutonium.

Let meat come to room temperature. Grind plutonium into dust then add red dye. Beat eggs. Mix with hands until all ingredients form a gelatinous mass. Scoop into testicle-like shapes. Cook at 350 for fifteen minutes. For maximum irradiation, serve hot.

#4. Prancer Pudding

1 cup pistachio pudding mix. 6oz reindeer loin. A dash of cinnamon. 2 garlic cloves. 1 quart of Southern Comfort Eggnog, fistful of Vicodin, 1 fat spliff, seen?

Smoke spliff. Hold recipe out in front of you while laughing manically. If maniacal laughter cannot be attained, trying giggling. If failure to giggle persists, swallow one bottle of Southern Comfort eggnog, take Vicodin, and call the police. When first responders arrive, invite them in for Prancer Pudding. Watch shit get real. 

#3. Blixen Biscuits (known in the UK as Shite Cookies)

Half a pound of flour (not flowers, for you homophone fans), three pats of cold unsalted butter, ice water, reindeer flank, elf pheromones, and penguin knees.

Make biscuits like one makes biscuits. Bake biscuits as one would bake biscuits. Fry flank and knees in separate pans, dashing each with adequate amounts of pheromones. Get randy. Shag an elf. Shag the flank. Shag the biscuits. Ignore the knees. Only wankers shag penguin knees. God save the queen!

#2. Donner Steaks

One Christmas vacation. A hatchet. Zero food. One family, preferably fattened during Thanksgiving and left to tenderize in front of televisions airing football games and seasonal cartoons.

Become lost and snowed in. Try to hold out until the last minute. Kill family with hatchet. Eat raw. Store remains in snow banks. Enjoy holiday season without the nagging of in-laws, drunken uncles, cheek-pinching grannies, warring siblings, and depressed parents suffering from empty-nest syndrome.

#1. Comet Suaasat

1 kg reindeer meat (cubed)
2 liters water
200 ml pearl barley
3 onions (chopped)
300 grams mushrooms (wild)
2 carrot (sliced)
200 grams dried cherries
1 lemon zest
1 tsp rosemary (chopped)
1 tsp thyme (chopped)
1 tsp sage (chopped)
sea salt
black pepper

Pour the water into a large pot and add the meat (as is), the vegetables, the cherries, the mushrooms, the salt and pepper to taste and the herbs and bring to a simmer, simmering on medium heat until tender about 1 hour.

Add barley and the lemon zest, check and correct the seasoning and cook until the soup is thick about 30 minutes.

(Seriously, that’s a legit recipe from food.com. You’re welcome.)