Write Edward Lorn’s Biography!

How well do you think you know me? Or, better yet, how well can you exaggerate? Give me you most outrageous biography. I don’t care if everything in it is factual, but if it isn’t it better be funny or witty or both. Have fun in the comment section.

I posted this on Facebook and Twitter as well, so if you commented there, there’s no need to comment here.

Keep it clean, as I will be using this on Facebook, Twitter, Amazon and every other place you can find me.

I can’t wait to learn more about myself 😉

E.

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9 thoughts on “Write Edward Lorn’s Biography!

  1. Edward Lorn was born on a small tropical island a few years after his parents were shipwrecked, for the second time, after taking what was supposed to be a 3 hour boat tour. Documents are unavailable, having gone missing in Hawaii, so no one is quite sure whether his father is the professor, Mr. Hathaway, the Skipper or Gilligan. Characteristics and mannerisms point to each of the different candidates at different times of the day. What is known for certain is that his mother was named Mary Ann. This was deduced by Edward’s preference for wearing gingham shirts tied at the waist.

    In grade one, Edward realized his preference, and came out to everyone as a staunch supporter of the letter E. This behaviour has remained throughout his life, even when in high school during the ‘goth’ years, he took a liking to F. and U.

    Edward’s favourite colour, as well as favourite gas, is neon. His favourite songs are ‘when the saints go marching in’ by the Mike Curb Congregation and ‘the beautiful people’ by Marilyn Manson. His wife dislikes both songs, and often leaves the house when Edward acts out the lyrics for both, each midday before his tea.

    Edward took a liking to horror, crazy clowns, blood, guts, gore and all things scary when he attended his first Halloween party at the age of 22. He was and still is fascinated by pointy teeth, the undead and cobwebs.

    Edward dislikes: people with food in their teeth, the Bay City Rollers, people who talk fast, people who talk slow, suspenders, the word ‘nefarious’, pillows, Tae Kwan Doh, plastic flowers and cinnamon gum (an abomination!). He also abhors Coca Cola but would still, one day, like to teach the world to sing.

    Currently Edward is writing his twentieth novel. Many of the unknown works are stored in a safety deposit box in Margarita-ville. As one might imagine, the key is unfortunately stored in a lost shaker of salt.

  2. Edward Lorn launched his illustrious career with the brazen theft of fire from the Gods. When questioned, he explained that he could not write in the darkness of his cave, and was tired of chewing uncooked sinew. Wrathful Gods descended upon Lorn’s cave like a swarm of rich men angry about a dent in the door of their new Beemers. As luck would have it, Lorn had just invented French cuisine, and the Gods left with bellies full of coq au vin and gateau a noix. They did not bother him again, except for recipes. Lorn perfected his chiseling-stone technique by working freelance for the Sumerians and Egyptians; he is credited with codifying the Egyptian hieroglyphs, and thus averting war due to misunderstandings. One day, after catching a rook with nothing more than a cold stare, Lorn discovered quill and ink. He celebrated by sharing the secret of gun powder – and fireworks – with the Chinese. By the multi-colored light of the first fireworks show, Lorn devised the horror genre. He wrote the first freaky-as-hell clown, and the world was never the same. In a recent interview, Lorn states that was when he realized it was time to create a printing press. Under Lorn’s constant tutelage, pulp fiction went mass market and he sold the rights to the press to Gutenberg. With this fortune, Lorn was patron to Jules Vern, Poe, and the people who came up with Netflix. Although Lorn taught Chuck Norris almost everything he knows, he left out one crucial move: how to make the sun rise every day. When not running the solar system and setting up show times for meteor showers, Lorn can be found writing horror and living under the glyph “E.”

    1. Oh, this is gonna be a hard decision. Two tremendous entries so far.

      Thank you, Aniko, this brightened my day. I may have to do a poll to decide once I stop taking submissions.

      Funny, my first two submissions are from my two most recent inspirations. 😉

      E.

  3. Aniko’s is much more literary than mine! I love hers! You see how you inspire us, E.?! I have to admit, I did one a few days ago for @oddparticle and had so much fun that I was thrilled to see you looking for one, E. But Aniko’s is zee best! :))

  4. As a baby, Edward Lorn was discovered in a basket on the front steps of a Catholic Church in Boston. Even back then, his innate senses of propriety and intuition caused him to flip his basket over, and crawl turtle-like to the front steps of a nearby non-denominational church before the priests could retrieve him. He was soon adopted by the kind Gein family of Plainfield, Wisconsin. Unfortunately, a couple of umm interesting missteps by his foster father with a rifle and chainsaw caused him to assume the name “Lorn.” He still thinks about visiting his foster father in the asylum, but so far has decided not to do so.

    Edward started writing at a young age. His earliest works, soon to be collected into a handsome leather-bound book with the proceeds going to the families of the victims, were direct and forceful works of prose. “Your lunch money or your kneecaps!”, “This is a gub (sic) – put the money in the bag!” “No joke – Please find enclosed your son’s nose and last night’s Daily Show so you know what is a joke and what isn’t”, and of course, his opus, “$20,000 or you’ll never see Sparky or your daughter again!” were forays into literary immediacy that many writers even today cannot come close to grasping.

    Soon after graduating with a degree from Alcatraz, Edward took up writing full time as a career. His multitude of contributions to such highbrow publications as American Weed Growers Monthly, Harper’s Really Bizarre, Penthouse Forum, and Wishin’ We Were Fishin’ strengthened his mastery of his craft and put his name out there to be discovered by the masses. It was then he started the first of his many books, The Mudskipper’s Tale, which most remember as the book George Bush, Sr. was reading when he threw up on the Premier of Japan.

    That little twist of fate sent sales skyrocketing and now, after forty novels, three short story collections and six convictions, the name “Edward Lorn” is remembered with the true luminaries of the literary world: Charles Dickens, Charles Manson, Snooki … and Edward Corn. Err Lorn.

    1. Holy crap! I’ve gone from Gillian’s Island spawn, to having invented writing as we know it, to a known fugitive.

      I was laughing throughout, Rich. Send me a copy of Wishin’ We Were Fishin’. I think Mader writes for them as well!

      E.

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