I know I said I wouldn’t be back until December, but here I am. Deal with it.
Mmm, sex. Copulation, coitus, fornication, making love, and yes, even fucking. Sex is how we procreate, but I hope to Tom Cruise you already knew that. If not, you’re either too young to be reading this or the rock you’ve been living under your entire life is so large that it should have crushed you to death a long time ago. Though orgasm is natural, there’s many an unnatural hole by which we come by release. That, among other things sex-related, is why we’re here today. The prudish need not read beyond this point.
We’re not the only species that enjoys sex. If you’re to believe the internet, (the place where I came by this knowledge) pygmy chimps and dolphins also have sex for fun. How these scientists came by this conclusion is beyond me, but hey, they’re smartness far exceeds mine. I just hope that they aren’t judging the levity of dolphins post-coital by going on a sea cruise. Also, Is smartness a word? Spellcheck says so. Funny, Spellcheck, itself, is not a word. I doth believe Spellcheck hath self esteem issues.
Back to sex. Let me talk to the men for a second. We stuff our maypoles in many a hole. We make playgrounds of sewers and offer up eats as digestible as cardboard. But why? There’s a perfectly good slot for our deposits, so why not stick with the proper spot? I know there’s some of you gentlemen that don’t go for the back-door trash-dump hump, but you’ve thought about it, I’m sure. I’ve done it. I don’t like it but… been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and so on. My point is we’re not suppose to be there. It’s an exit, not an entrance. Still, some girls like it. Hell, some even prefer it. Begs the question, though. Is it merely for pleasure? No matter how many times you have heard the term “butt-baby” that race of children does not exist. You cannot create life through an anus, sorry. So maybe it’s a form of subconscious birth control. Maybe you don’t think it “counts” if you do it in the butt. Who knows? The fact of the matter is, the people who partake in anal deeds on a regular basis do it because it feels good to them, and maybe even to the receiving party. Which brings me to the oral part of our discussion. A vagina does not have a tongue, but if you travel deep enough, a cervix can be an adequate stimulator. Suction isn’t only attributed to a mouth, so that checks off that box. So, why do we like mouths? If you say it’s because oral feels better, you’re obviously not with the right woman (I can’t wait for the comments about how I obviously haven’t had a good BJ). Also, vaginas (unless you’re in a horror movie) do not have teeth. Having fellatio performed on me is the greatest vulnerability imaginable. All it takes is one bite. Doesn’t even have to break the skin. Just… chomp! You wouldn’t stick your penis in a meat-grinder, would you? Well, what do you think a mouth does to a steak? I kid, because I enjoy it just as much as the next guy, but I still want to know why we do it when the right place feels just as good. The comment section is yours, guys.
Ladies, you still with me? Maybe I should have started with you. Oh well, here we go. I understand that you perform dirty deeds because you like to see your man happy. I get that. Some of you get off on just the notion that your man is enjoying something you’re doing to him. I applaud you. But I think you undervalue your lady-parts. Kegels are an amazing tool. Do them. Learn how to manipulate those muscles. Blow jobs and buttholes are all fine and dandy, if that’s your thing, but why risk the chance that your man’s going to other locations because your love tunnel is as animate as a block of concrete. I know, I know, sex is not a one-sided coin. It takes two to tango, but it also takes practice and experience to do it right. So, back to the guys for just a second. Figure out what you’re doing down there. A simple parry and thrust is not all that’s required during a sword-fight You must bob and weave and rotate and gyrate. Learn your tool, or risk doing the job poorly. Which brings me to question-time for the ladies. Do any of you prefer oral stimulation (cunnilingus) over vaginal penetration? How about fingers? Don’t be scared. Comment below.
On to loving thyself. The act of masturbation can come on out of boredom, or necessity. It’s different for both genders. But let’s talk about the teaching aspects of manual stimulation. Women must learn where their spot(s) is so they can guide and direct their partners. If you don’t know what feels good, how the hell are we supposed to? Every single woman is different, with only slight commonalities between them. Men must practice firing their gun to get rid of that pesky hair-trigger. Self-appreciation isn’t sick or sad. It’s training. Find what makes you happy so you can drive your partner to the brink, until… pop! goes the champagne. And if you can’t hold back or are packing inadequate equipment, (guys, I’m talking to you) you should then study the art of Finger Fu and mouth-to-vagina resuscitation. I hear licking the ABCs works. If you’re illiterate, just pretend you’re drawing a tree over and over again with your tongue. You’re welcome.
Lastly, and most importantly, love each other. A good pounding is wonderful, but when you really care about the person you’re hammering, better times have never been had. Be safe. Wear protection. Take your pills. Or just stick with the finger and palm parade.
Alfred Kinsey, eat your heart out.