Ruminating On: Messiah Gets Groped by NYPD

1. Messiah gets new name

Judges be crazy, son! So, somewhere in Tennessee (guess I could have done more research on the place, but I didn’t want to give them too much publicity) a child support judge ordered a seven month old baby’s name to be changed. What was the baby’s name, you ask? Messiah. No, he’s wasn’t the messiah. We aren’t talking about Tom Cruise here. We’re talking about a little boy named Messiah. Sigh… The honorable Lu Ann Ballew (whose name seems more suited for a porn star than a magistrate) changed the boy’s name from Messiah to Martin on the grounds that “messiah” was a sacred title. I have this to say. Just because you got stuck with a shitty name does not mean you can run around changing other people’s names based on your religious views. Luckily the mother is going to appeal. Good for her. Because, Lu Ann, you Ballew it.

2. NYPD to stop touching genitals for fun

There’s this thing in New York where a cop can stop you and pat you down because you look suspicious. How does one “look suspicious?” I haven’t the foggiest. I guess you could start by having a different color of skin than the groping officer. You could be wearing a turban or perhaps a really large backpack. I suppose you could even look as if you partake in drugs. GASP! What if you’re a youth with baggy pants? Run! Wait, don’t run. You’ll probably trip. On your pants. And they are the cops, after all. If you run, they’ll probably shoot you. A lot. With bullets. But no worries, folks, as a judge recently said that Officer Johnson’s Old Pat-N-Cup On Sight is unconstitutional. YAY! for the defeat of profiling. Or not. Seriously, this probably won’t amount to a hill of Columbia’s finest.

Daily Tip: Coffee is hot and suppositories are for rectal use only. Don’t be the type of person who needs this information. 



(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. But your mother is.)


6 thoughts on “Ruminating On: Messiah Gets Groped by NYPD

  1. Sherrri

    I have a problem with the name change. What about the Latinos who name their sons, Jesús? Isn’t that the same?

  2. My dear Mr. Lorn, I have followed your exploits with some interest, often regaling my coworkers with the wisdom of your eloquent ruminations. However, I fear I must take exception to a portion of your latest musing. I refer specifically to your final words of what is normally quite sage advice or observation. On this occasion I fear I must disagree with you most vehemently, when you indicate that “coffee is hot and suppositories are for rectal use only.”

    I submit for your consideration the following rebuttals to your statement:

    1. (this site shows that coffee may be enjoyed at a variety of temperatures, thus disproving your declaration that coffee is hot.)

    2. (in which a church missionary serving his god in Haiti… well, he was serving in Haiti – whether or not his god was there is a matter of some debate, since as you will note, he was shipped 76,487 packages of suppositories and had to find some rather creative uses for them.)

    and finally…

    3. (a little known site called Amazon, at which obscure items may be purchased. In this instance, you will find that some poor, lost individuals apparently misunderstood into which orifice coffee was originally intended to be imbibed. Granted, this may be an unusual practice, but when observed as part of the larger whole of all three links, there are circumstances under which suppositories may be used hot, and coffee can be for rectal use.

    Signed with utmost humility,
    S. Satrams Amai

  3. 1. I abso-fucking-lutely could NOT believe that article when I read it this morning. I can tell you my gast does’t get flabbered all that often, but the stuff you’re digging up lately is ridiculous. That so-called judge has no business imposing her personal beliefs on a case that had nothing to do with his first name. At least Messiah sounds like a fucking name. Not like North West, Apple, Blanket, Audio Science, Jermajesty, Banjo, Speck, Seven, Camera, Sunday…well, you get the idea and those are only a few of the celebrity names that have been in the news. I hate to think what’s out there on indelible ink on the masses of birth certificates we never see.

    2. I bet the prostitutes are glad the cops aren’t getting any more freebies.

    I don’t touch that vile drink of Satan and I wish I’d known suppositories weren’t oral. Now I know why shit flows from my mouth while I remain constipated. I was about to initiate a class action lawsuit. You saved my ass there. Figuratively speaking.

    1. I’m trying to find the fringe media here. I don’t want to regurgitate the previous evening’s news for people. And if I can flabber your gast, all the better. 🙂


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