Ruminating On: Volcanic Aliens

1. 500 reasons to move

On August 18th, Sakurajima erupted for the 500th time, dusting nearby Kagoshima with ash and volcanic glass. How close to this insanely active volcano is the town of Kagoshima? Six miles. Yep. Six. I’ve never understood why we build multi-million dollar hotels and lavish homes directly on the beach in Florida, given the likelihood of hurricanes, nor have I grasped the concept of erecting homes on the muddy slopes of some California mountain sides, but this one boggles my mind even further. These people live six miles from a volcano that has been known to erupt more than once a day. This last eruption was special, though, as it was the biggest one since 1914. The smoke cloud stretched up over three miles into the sky, a new record for the pissed off mountain. This volcano is so active that Kagoshima has several high-def cameras placed in key areas around town to monitor the mountain’s activity. This way, when Kagoshima finally goes the way of Pompeii, no one can say they didn’t see it coming.


2. The truth is out there, but it’s a lie

If you haven’t heard by now, Area 51 exists. This isn’t news to fans of The History Channel. Their hard-hitting documentary series, Ancient Aliens, has not been taken seriously up until now, but things are soon to change. The CIA have released declassified documents that prove Area 51 is a real thing. And they have spy planes, too! Seems the base was used to test out the super-secret, highly-classified, never-to-be-revealed U-2 spy plane. Bono jokes aside, this plane was built using alien technologies, most acquired by reverse engineering the spacecraft that landed in Roswell, New Mexico, back in 1947. Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum were unavailable for comment.


Daily Tip: A polar bear’s liver contains lethal amounts of vitamin A. If you’re the idiot out there eating polar bear livers, stop. 


(Note: This blog is not professionally edited. Because… chickens)


4 thoughts on “Ruminating On: Volcanic Aliens

  1. Ah, Edward! I must say, I’m disappointed in you. You have the pieces to the puzzle here , and you haven’t yet put them together? Of course UFOs are real! The come from a super secret base that lies deep beneath the Earth’s crust, where they continue their nefarious plans to take over the surface world from the lowly humans. Increases in volcanic activity prove that they are an aggressive species, willing to use weapons of mass destruction to wipe us from the face of the planet. Area 51 is our attempt to drill really, REALLY deep holes to drop acorns on their heads from above (because my research indicates that they are all highly allergic to acorns). Now, you may scoff at this and ask what good it will do to drop acorns into one location. After all, they could simply move, right?

    Well, just ask yourself… what about Areas 1 through 50? See!! We’ve got them right where we want them!!!!

  2. Do not forget about the grey aliens that collaborate with the subterranean lizard people. Reality T.V. is a government project designed to keep the greys at bay. The little guys are so intelligent that just a few seconds of exposure to reality T.V. causes extreme brain aneurysms resulting in cranial explosions.

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