Nowadays, everyone’s doing a damn list. Here’s mine.
#5. Sports: For every child who’s saved from the streets by some after school physical activity, there’s another trampled in a riot because a bunch of brainless Billies didn’t get to see their prized hockey team kick a homerun.
Replacement? Books and chess. You know, because nothing’s more apt to get you laid than a book and a rook.
#4. Awards shows: Who all’s tired of celebrating people who can remember whole pages full of lyrics, look prettier than the best of us norms, and adopt children like they’re recusing shelter animals? I am. Me, me, me! So what if Brad Pitt cried harder than Channing Tatum? So what if Adele sings like an angel banging a choir girl? And who gives a flying fornication if Miss Universe is from Venus? All this crap is capable of doing is making certain people feel bad about themselves. The only person who’s positively reinforced is the winner. And they’re already pretty damn stable. They have to have at least a sprinkling of confidence. I mean, they put themselves out there in the first place, right?
Replacement? Real Thunderdome. Seriously. Two men enter. One man leave. Now, that, I’d watch.
#3. Air Freshener: Honestly, does it really help? Or does your bathroom smell like someone made a Shit ‘N’ Berry smoothie? How about Shitammon Rolls? My personal favorite? Shitrus.
Replacement? Nothing. Enjoy the moment. What’s funnier than leaving an air of you behind for some unsuspecting olfactory system? You can even start a gambling pool of the possible phrases that will issue forth from your victims’ mouths, e.g. “Did someone die in here?”/”Oxygen! I need oxygen!”/”Are you on a diet?”
#2. Religion: At some point in our lives, we stop believing in Santa Claus. Even extremely religious people can see St. Nick’s existence is pure fantasy. But call the Bible the greatest selling work of fiction in the history of man and watch people lose their shit. Same for the Quran… the Book of Mormon… you name it. The funniest shit you will ever hear is a Christian blasting Scientology for being improbable, silly, or too far out there to be real. Lemme get this straight. You believe some all-knowing being is floating around out there somewhere, and if you devote your life to him, he’ll give you life eternal in paradise. But, you must have faith, because there is no proof that he exists… other than your faith. To top that off, back in the day, he impregnated a woman with a son that was actually him so that He could die on a cross for your sins then come back to life three days later to prove that eggs should be colored and hid in bushes for the amusement of children. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but I think I nailed it.
Replacement? Porn. That is all.
#1. Prohibition of Any Kind: It’s been proven time and time again that prohibiting any substance will only result in failure. Because of prohibition, our species has created such insanely fucked up drugs as “Jenkem” and “Krokadil”. One’s fermented human waste (and, yes, people actually huff this shit), and the other turns you into Skeletor. As cool as the former sounds, it doesn’t come with his cool-as-hell scepter or that wicked-ass castle of his.
Replacement: Sports. And we’ve come full circle. You’re welcome.