Ruminating On: Top 5 Reasons You’re Not Unique

Fight Club went a little deeper into this subject than I will, so read that book for a comprehensive list regarding why you are not a snow flake.

#5. You breathe.

Sometimes I can’t believe it either. One would think that with such little brain activity you wouldn’t be able to work those air bags, but once again, you are a medical marvel. Good for you!

#4. You bleed.

That red stuff coming out of you every time you try to replace emotional pain with physical pain in an attempt to exist without existing so you can not be while you’re being. (My head hurts) Anyway, yeah, you have blood. You bleed that blood when your skin has an owie. I know it would seem to the contrary that I don’t pour gravy from my wounds, but I swear, I drip the red goo too.

#7. You can’t count.

Didja notice that I just went from #5 to #7? No? Well I didn’t expect you to. Moving on…

#2. You sustain yourself in some fashion.

Whether you gobble down goodies, drink protein shakes, or pump food into yourself via a tube like a car filling up at the gas station, you must feed yourself in some way. You need nourishment and stuff. It’s all scientific and whatnot. I’d provide you with numbers but I don’t math. See reference: #7.

#1. You shit and shit.

You cop a squat from time to time. You drop the boys off at the pool. Some of you fill up a bag attached to your flank. It’s all ABCs and 123s with you, but your fav is number two. You shiver after a massive deposit just like the rest of us. There are times you’ve risen from the commode feeling a whole Backstreet Boy lighter. And you do not smell like roses. More like a week-dead skunk with hygiene problems. More like the nether region of a swamp ape. Your aroma is only slight better than Tom Cruise’s love life, but a sight worse than his bank account. In other words, you fucking reek. Just like me. My point here, people, is, we’re all the same. Get over it. Be unique the only way you can. By being yourself. Contrdictory? Perhaps. Then again, some people know how to spell “contradictory.”


3 thoughts on “Ruminating On: Top 5 Reasons You’re Not Unique

  1. fuonlyknew

    I’ve been reduced to a puddle of original! I can count though! I thought it was a typo for a second there!
    I’m still waiting for you to roast Santa Claus!

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