What do you get if you remove a camel’s hump and make it swallow a telephone pole? You guessed it! Giraffa camelopardalis is the largest known ruminant (Perhaps the reason I chose it for Ruminating On today? Mayhap, indeed.) Ruminants are a species of animal that acquires its nutrients by brewing food in a second stomach, much like cows and Sarah Palin. In fact, “rumination” is another word for “chewing cud”. To be as technical as humanly possible: [From Wikipedia, because that site’s NEVER wrong] The word “ruminant” comes from the Latin ruminare, which means “to chew over again”. A fountain of knowledge, me. Well, me and Wiki, anyway.
With all this new knowledge bouncing around inside these mostly inactive mind of ours (remember, we only use ten percent of our brains), is it any wonder that I chose Giraffes as the topic of discussion today? Actually, I’m just really fucking tired. The kids had their checkups today, and I had to be up at the ass-crack of dawn (that’s just after nine a.m. here) to usher them off to see their new Poker Prodder. Autumn had her first piss-quiz and passed with a B. Then, when their sadomasochistic nurse stuck Chris with not one but two hypodermic devices of torture, my son shrieked on par with Maria Carey attempting to shatter wine glasses. Life doesn’t get much funner. (“Funner” is a word? Well piss on my head and call me a canary in a rainstorm, you learn something new everyday.) After that, we went grocery shopping. Wife cooked dinner. The troop ate. All in the Lorn Complex were sated. And old E.? Well, he feels like he just tried to lasso a giraffe with silly putty. (I’ll let that image sink in… )
I’m not complaining. I love my family and the life we all share together. But, sometimes, one can become bone tired without having done a fucking thing. I wish I could be witty and entertaining on this eighth day of April, 2014, but the Funny Train left the station with the last fuck I had to give and its arrival at the next destination has been delayed due to a log jam. Did I mention I’m constipated?