Ruminating On: Nope

Below you will find a list of questions I have either skirted in interviews, in person, in emails, or in comments. There comes a time when answers should be given.

Are you gay?
Nope, but I have fabulous hair.

Are you straight?
Nope, I’m round.

Are you an introvert?
Nope, I’m a closeted extrovert.

Are you a pessimist?
Nope, I’m a cynical optimist.

Are you really as fat as you look in your pictures?
Nope, I’m allergic to bees and am being perpetually stung off camera.

Is DASTARDLY BASTARD a play on words?
Nope, it’s a book with words.

Is LIFE AFTER DANE an autobiography?
Nope, I am not currently a fifty-five year old woman, but anything can change with time and surgery.

Is your wife really black?
Nope, she’s more of a caramel hue.

Do you support gun ownership?
Nope, but I support your right to defend yourself.

Do you support abortion?
Nope, but what a woman does with her own body is none of my business.

Do you do drugs?
Nope, but I have in the past.

Do you drink?
Nope, but you can revert to my answer of the previous question.

Do you smoke?
Nope, but this one time, in high school, some douchepickle lit my ponytail on fire.

Are you a violent man?
Nope, but I understand there’s a time and place for everything.

Do you think you’re a good writer?
Nope, I’m a storyteller because writing is hard.

Are you scared of the dark?
Nope, I’m scared of what hides in plain site.

Do you have any regrets?
Nope, because what’s done is done.

Are you stupid?
Nope, if ignorance is bliss I’m clinically depressed.

Are you fucking retarded?
Nope, I have no want or need to copulate with such an ugly word.