William Shakespeare as Written by Popular Novelists

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Feel free to share, but please give credit to E. or Edward Lorn. Thank you.

 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream, by Neil Gaiman

Sympathy had no choice. No, not at all. It was war, death, and sickness that caused it such horrible trouble. Very short, like a terrible dream. And quick, it was, like a shadow. And very, very British.

Her vagina gobbled up the darkness.

 

Romeo & Juliet, by Dean Koontz

But, smart! what golden retriever through yonder window breaks. It is man’s best friend, and Juliet is the blonde, wittily sarcastic love interest. Arise, fair precocious child, and follow the clairvoyant fry cook into danger.

 

Othello, by Chuck Palahniuk

I am Othello’s bubbling rage. Please replace your oar and chains to their upright position.

 

Hamlet, by Stephen King

“A hit! Ayuh, a very palpable hit!”

And hit he was. Because there was blood. Lots of blood. Loads of it. And didn’t it just drip, drip, drip onto the floor?

That’s your life just drip, drip, dripping onto the floor, Hammie. Reminds you of that poor girl, doesn’t it? (what was her name? the one those damn kids dropped that pig blood on?) All drip, drip, dripping and full of fiery rage. She burned down her castle, and ruined the ball. It was the same year that rabid dog trapped that mother and her little boy in their car. You remember. Eventually, everyone remembers.

Now all this party needed was a clown, if you could but dig.

 

The Taming of the Shrew, by James Patterson

SHREW, the new thrill ride by James Patterson. And introducing William Shakespeare.

 

Do you have a popular novelist you’d like to see rewrite a bit of Shakespeare? If so, drop your suggestions in the comment section of this post, and I will do my best.

 

Later!

 

E.

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