(Or, How to Make Enough Money at Your Hobby to Tell Your Boss to Go Fuck Him/Herself)
I have five fool-proof ways to become successful enough at your creative outlet to justify quitting your day job. These five pieces of advice will work for anyone. I should know, because they worked for me!
#1. Win the lottery. Nothing provides financial freedom like being suddenly rich as balls. I’m still mastering this step, but I’ve heard it’s the perfect way to be able to write books and stay home all day watching Netflix.
#2. Have a huge penis or perfect breasts and be willing to video tape yourself performing sexual acts. You don’t have to be a pornographer, but you must have a video camera. Sex sells, and people love watching people fuck. Even amateurs. Hell, in some circles, especially amateurs. I’ve not mastered this skill yet either, but I’ve done plenty of research in my time.
#3. Speaking of selling sex, write erotica. You don’t even have to be good at it. Your work can be riddled with errors and stupidity and people will still buy your work. Most of these people will buy it simply to make fun of you in their book groups, but they bought it, so what do you care. Pro Tip: Throw in sex with monsters, dinosaurs, or robots for even more sales.
#4. Fuck someone important. Find someone whom others listen to and fuck their brains out. Once you’re done fucking that person, tell them that you’ve written a book and would love if they’d pimp your shit. This does not make you a whore. It makes you a business person. Fun for men and women alike!
#5. Get lucky. That’s how the majority of us do it. Seriously, there’s no special formula to success in this ever-changing literary world. People’s tastes change, and you’re only ever as good as your last book. You can email me everyday asking me advice and I will always tell you the same thing: I got lucky. I don’t buy ads, I don’t spam people, I don’t seek out review swaps, none of that. I write, I publish, and I sit back and hope that each story finds an audience. It’s that simple, and that hard. Do I think this will last forever? Nope. Am I rich? Nope. I make enough off my writing to pay the bills. This is my job, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that I’m lucky enough to say that.
This has been a public service announcement brought to you in part by the letter E.