I only found this book because the review-request site I use for physical books didn’t have anything else of interest. But don’t get me wrong, I didn’t settle on this book. In fact, it’s something I would’ve read if I ever came across it on someone’s coffee table, or in that little satchel of books some people have hanging from their toilets’ water tanks. Have you ever been to someone’s house and they had a saddle bag hanging off their commode, and you look inside and find everything from TIME LIFE to meth to Walt Whitman?
(Some of you will get that reference.)
Well, I’m not a bathroom reader for the same reason I don’t lick my fingers while counting money. You have no idea where the previous owner/user last had it. Maybe someone stacked all the books up to make a poop stool. Maybe someone had a containment breach while wiping and couldn’t reach the sink so they decided to wipe a brown trail of tears down page 43. Maybe some of the pages are stuck together because reasons. Anyway, I’m much more of a coffee table reader, is what I’m getting at.
(Are you a dirty, dirty heathen who likes reading in the bathroom? Comment on how and why in the comment section. Should be a fun discussion.)
Okay, so Crown Publishing Group didn’t have any fiction worthy of my epic perusal, so I went in search of other types of reads. Luckily, I happened upon this cute little book, which they sent me in return for the amazing review you are currently reading. Free. I got this shit for free. You should know that because of the FTC. Anyfuck, I will definitely put this book on my nonexistent coffee table so all my nonexistent friends can read it. Seriously, I have one meat-world friend and he lives 2 hours away. Last time I saw him was in 2007. And we live 2 hours from each other. Only 2 hours. Haven’t seen him in 9 years. I’m a horrible person.
Anyballs, I dug all the silly little facts scattered throughout this book. I knew a lot of the information because I’m a super smart smarty pants from Smartsville, USofA, but the book did have one or two tricks up its sleeve. For instance:
Did you know that Chinese sea turtles piss through their mouths? So, like, if you went out drinking with one and he said, “This beer tastes of piss” he’d know exactly what he was talking about. Also, even though he’s Chinese, he’d most definitely have an English accent.
Did you know that a group of rhinos is called a crash? And that one rhino (that’s one single goddamn rhino) can produce 45 pounds of shit every day. So the next time you’re in a crash, don’t feel bad if you shit yourself. Seriously, it’s all a crash does.
You know how, like, when you’re a dude and you get called a pig for checking out some random chick’s bum bum? Well fret no longer! Did you know that pigs literally cannot look up. And pigs are right at ass level, so there you go. We deserve to be called pigs because of that. Or something. I’m reaching here. The point is: pigs can’t fly. Or whatever.
I r a dumb!
In summation: I think the most interesting fact I learned while reading this book was that I don’t know everything. Imagine that. I mean, holy shit, I thought I knew it all, but this proves that I do not. This book is life-changing! But, in all honesty, I wouldn’t buy this book for $14.99. No way in hell. But if someone else bought this book and put it on their coffee table, I’d suggest other people visit that person and read it. I’d say leave a dollar in a tip jar for them, but they’re obviously rich and have nothing else to spend fifteen bucks on, so yeah, don’t give them a penny. Just read their book and leave. Like a boss. That would be rude, but whatevs, I do what I want.
Final Judgment: A book for rich people with friends.