The Naked Cook Book Review

 

The Naked Cook Book, by Tess Ward. Buy this motherfucker HERE!

I’m a foodie only in the sense that I love food and watch Food Network. To give it to you in the simplest SAT format: Foodies are to erotica what binge eaters like me are to porn. What? Fuck if I know. I think I got a 22.7 on my SATs – which equates to an O positive. I can barely pass a piss quiz without sneaking my kids’ urine into the bathroom at the pain clinic. I take so many pain meds, son, your boy pisses pills. #truefact

But I do like putting good food in my cakehole and chewing and swallowing and whatnot, so I got a cookbook from Crown Royale Publishing in exchange for the collection of words and paroxysms you are currently reading. Oh, shit! Did you see that? I used a big-as-fuck word. Yay me! [insert definition of paroxysms and don’t forget to delete this part when you add the definition and you forgot didn’t you?]. No. I didn’t forget. Stahp judging me.

par·ox·ysm
ˈperəkˌsizəm/ (looks like the word had a fucking seizure #truefact)
noun
plural noun: paroxysms
a sudden attack or violent expression of a particular emotion or activity.

This book gave me a sudden attack of hunger and I had to cuss like a motherfucker and get all emotional because I didn’t have a quarter of the goddamn shit you need to prepare the recipes in this bastard! Fuck! Anyway, I bet all this shit tastes fucking terrific. I bet I take a single bite and die from pleasure. They’ll have to mop me up to bury me.

A list of the shit I wanna try in this book includes:

Fish Stock (seriously, this book has stock recipes that gave me a boner just thinking about slurping them)
Miso Soup (because Japan)
Gluten-free chive crepes with avocado + smoked salmon (jesus christ, I just came)
Beet and Cherry smoothie (as if I didn’t have enough stained shirts)
and this shit, whatever it is…

Palm Springs commercial photography

Motherfuck! That’s some beautiful shit! That sauce is a wee bit disconcerting looking, but fuck it. I’mma try it!

In summation: If you like pictures of food and recipes you’ll never try because you’re on SNAP benefits and can’t afford anything but ramen and grocery-store brand bologna (holla if you hear me), I suggest getting this book from the library and rubbing your belly while it growls and you cry and cry and cry…

Final Judgment: I LIKE EATING!

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