I love how this coloring book is introduced:
“Ever imagine shit? Ever wanted to color that shit your own colors? Well now you damn well fucking can.”
I’m paraphrasing, of course. The author (illustrator? mastermind? henchwoman of fuckery?) doesn’t cuss in her intro, but she does hearken back to the good old days of childhood imagination. I still play in my head. My imagination is my job. But I know that there are some of you who take shit too seriously. Your asses need to chill the fuck out and color. Grab some adult crayons (coloring pencils) and get to staying between the lines. Fuck it. Color outside the lines if you so fucking desire. Do that shit. You’re a grown ass man or woman, or whatever you identify as. You could be a motherfucking passenger pigeon for all the fucks I give. But if you are a passenger pigeon, I gotta ask: Where the fuck you been? Like, aren’t you supposed to be extinct? You’re like a goddamn dodo bird, yo.
Speaking of dodo birds, there’s one in Alice and Wonderland. (See how I brought that shit full circle on your ass? Righteous.) In this coloring book, Alice is all looking through her purse, and the dodo bird is like, “Yo, chick, what’s in your goddamn purse?” So this book is accurate. It really manages to capture the feel of Wonderland, because, you know, dodo birds, yo.
The hare wears a crown of twigs in this book. Fuck if I know why. He’s got, like, this motherfucking bird’s nest on his dome, and the Mad Hatter don’t seem to give a single shit that his homedude is rocking a bird’s crib on his melon. Weird. But I’m still gonna color the fuck out of it. Believe that.
There’s even an item-find aspect in this motherfucker. Like those games you get in the app store for free, but then when you get stuck they wanna charge you your rent money for hints. I’m all like, “Asshole, I ain’t got $99 for unlimited coins! Are you out yo damn mind? How about I let you hold a dollar for a fistful of hints? Maybe I suck yo dick and you point me in the right direction?”
Anyballs, I like this adult coloring book, but it is seriously lacking in the adult content. I was expecting to find Tweedle Dee diddling Tweedle Dum, or the caterpillar getting his daily dose of iron by going down on the Red Queen. Hell, least they coulda done was have the jabberwocky flash me a titty. Shit!
In summation: Too little boobage but much attention to detail. Too little sexy times but just enough blank space for me to insert… ahem… for me to color in. This coloring book is dope, but don’t let your homeboy catch you slipping. Crayons is for little kids, dog. Real men use permanent marker.
Final Judgment: The bestest coloring book about Alice in Wonderland ever drawn by some chick named Amily Shen to ever be released by Crown publishing and sent to me for an honest review.