My Semi-Fictional Life #17 (Punchable Faces)

Hello, you punchy pugilistic prizefighters. Today I want to talk about a problem I have, something I consider a bad trait to have. Namely, my ability to spot a Punchable Face. I’m not a violent person, but I do sometimes have violent thoughts. This is one of the reasons I write; to purge the shit from my brain that would likely get me arrested if I acted on it. Think of it like masturbating before a big date. I will be naming names in places, but this does not mean I want to fight anyone. I’m sure there are plenty of people who do not like the way I look and that’s none of my business. I do not mean to offend anyone, yet someone will no doubt be offended. I’ve never let that stop me before, so ONWARD!

  1. Men who knuckle their chins for photos and stare off into the distance like they’re Rodin’s fucking Thinker. Stop it. You look like you’re leaving a shit. (Also, you don’t “take a shit”, ya muppet. Hopefully, when pooping, you “leave a shit”. If you’re taking shits, stop it. That’s disgusting.)
  2. People who pose with their fists in their hips like they’re goddamn Peter Pan. Like this dude. I don’t know that dude, but his face is highly punchable to me. Authors have a horrible tendency of doing this. You didn’t just conquer a foreign land and slaughter their indigenous people. Fuck off, please and thank you.
  3. Joel Osteen and everyone who looks like him. Jaysus Butternut Christ, that man’s face just screams “Touch me angrily with a closed fist!” Even if dude wasn’t a religious airbag who preys and profits on gullible sheep, I’d still fantasize about denting his forehead.
  4. Tom Arnold. Just him and not people who look like him. Him. #Always
  5. Leonardo DiCaprio. I think this one comes down to jealousy. Yeah. I’m jealous. Hey, at least I’m honest.

There you have it; five types of people I feel compelled to pound into hamburger based on looks alone. I do not truly wish violence on any of these people, but their faces cause my shoulders to twitch.

Who makes you telegraph your punches? You’re safe here. No judging. It’s only wrong if you act on it.

See you tomorrow,

E.

Pic of the Day

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2 thoughts on “My Semi-Fictional Life #17 (Punchable Faces)

  1. Folks with a well-groomed 5 o’clock shadow – male or female. Really, I just want them to commit to some facial hair style. Why be wobbly about it?

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