My Semi-Fictional Life #35 (Bloviation)

Hello, my acne-riddled angry anarchists. Today is the last day of church before you crazy motherfuckers ruin our country for the next four years, and possibly forever. I’m not voting for either of your choices, and before you say there are loads of choices, you should stop and see the forest for the trees. There are only two choices that matter. Gary Johnson and Jill Stein and your Uncle Benny, who you’re gonna write in for shits and giggles, have a nun’s chance of pregnancy at winning the election. So while you’re in your tax shelters this morning, asking invisible men to stop global poverty and hunger while you drop 10% of your income into a plate to fund your preacher’s monthly PornHub subscription, I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you have done.

Just kidding. We’re all fucked and there’s nothing you can do. Might as well get drunk and… Oh, it’s Sunday and your local liquor store is closed? Oh, well. Should’ve thought about that last night. Maybe your neighbor Jimmy, with his hopped up pickup truck and Trump/Pence 2016 sign, can lend you some of his moonshine. Or perhaps your super-progressive neighbor, the one with the electric car and basement full of Bernie Sanders supporters chained to the floor, can make you some cookies and give you a safe place so you’re not triggered on Tuesday.

Dear Liberals and Conservatives, fuck you both. Please, take a spin on a nail-studded traffic cone. Stay home. Don’t vote. Give the rest of us a chance to change the country. Let’s throw out the candidates whose pockets are lined by corporations. Forget the emails and the pussy grabbing. Ignore the racism and fear-mongering. Curl up in bed and dream of ammosexual couplings with cis-gendered, straight, white people as they thunderfuck you and your country into the dark ages. I know they’re coming, those of the cis-gendered, straight, white-people persuasion, because I’m one of them. We met Tuesday last and agreed to rule the world for another four years.

Kidding. I’m not the literal devil. Only a figurative one. I voted for Obama, twice, so I can’t be that bad. Right?

But, by all means, vote I’m With Her while the only people she’s for is corporate America. Or vote for the Tang Spokesman of the Year, for all I care. I hate both of them. I hate both parties. I especially hate showing off unedited material. So here’s your excerpt for the day:

“Then don’t talk to me like a child. I’m not here to impede on your investigation. I approached you to introduce myself and you gave me shit. I am, in turn, giving you shit right back. Listen, I don’t plan on having a shitty stay here, so either we’re going to get along, or you’re going to deal with my fucking presence. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but you should know that I’m not cool with egg shells. I don’t walk on them. I stomp the motherfuckers to powder.”

The minute you folks start taking me seriously is the moment you need to stop reading this blog. *smooches*

See you tomorrow,


Pic of the Day

Chris watching the world burn… or cookies baking… can’t remember which.



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