My Semi-Fictional Life #61 (Flash Fiction Friday!)

Holy shit this was fun. Took me two hours to write. I got up at 5am to knock this out, because I have a doctor’s appointment at 8am followed by a full day of holiday shenanigans and shopping. Should be fun, but I definitely wouldn’t have had the time to write this.

Anyway, if you find any errors, I apologize. This was super last minute. I’ll try and clean it up later today.

Without further ado…

 

“Of Wieners and War”

by Edward Lorn

 

“Bring on the sausages, boy!” Tits McGee yells from the stage and the crowd out here in the desert goes wild.

She’s nude at a table with two naked men seated on either side of her. They’re all looking out over about a hundred thousand people, all of whom wanna see Tits swallow something whole. Last time they saw Tits shove so much meat into her face was in her last film with Fanny Pounder, King Dong, and James Franco. In that AVN Award winning piece of adult entertainment, Tits took so many javelins to the jaw she looked as if she had tried to commit suicide by Nerf gun. Amazing the things you can do without a gag reflex.

But, now, she’s more nervous than she’s ever been. If her IBS acts up… Still, she must keep her head in the game. Because Harry’s watching. She’s gotta do this for Harry.

Harry’s in the crowd, clapping and falling apart. The leprosy’s got him looking like a necrotic pugilist—all purple and peeling. His buddy Travis the Armadillo is under his arm. They’re both cheering Tits on. Travis is the one who gave Harry the leprosy, but Harry isn’t about to let a little thing like that separate him from his best friend.

Alas, the medical bills aren’t going to pay themselves, so it’s up to his pornstar sister to raise the funds needed for his care. Not like he can get a job, what with all his parts held together with Duct tape and prayer.

Two butt naked dudes with buns on their wieners —the competitive eating equivalent of ring girls in bikinis—bring out five trays of stacked hot dogs.

Trays down, timer set, GO!

And she’s off. Tits is sucking down hot dogs like a mobster at a plate of spaghetti. The guys on either side of her can’t help but watch her as they struggle to keep up. The fattest dude on the left, his eyes roll up into his head and he starts convulsing. People think he’s dying, but Harry can see under the table, where dude’s dick is twitching and jetting semen into the front row.

Guess he ain’t never seen a woman inhale a wiener before. Amateur.

There’s a commotion stage left that draws Harry’s attention. An overgrown Oompah Loompah in a business suit and red power tie is stumbling onto stage. He’s covered in perspiration and it’s all his tiny hands can do to keep the sweat from his eyes.

“Aliens are coming! The best aliens! Super aliens! Aliens like you’ve never seen! We’ll have the best aliens, I promise!” screams the man in the business suit.

That’s when Harry realizes who this man is.

Tits McGee slurps down her 56th hotdog and is readying the next one when she sees the President of these fine United States come shambling out of the wings. He’s hollering something about aliens, and she assumes he’s on another tirade about illegal immigrants. She sucks down #57 and #58 before the tanks arrive.

Harry hears them before he sees them—a massive rumbling like the end of the world on Viagra. He cranes his decaying neck to look back and over the crowd.

Last time he saw this much military was in Tits’s film Private Privates and the Rectum Wars, starring Randy Buttler and the Jizz Factory.

Harry chances a look back to the stage just in time to see men in white suits snag the POTUS and shove him into a straight jacket.

Tits’s stomach goes crazy. Her irritable bowel syndrome is giving her fits. It’s the whole reason she had to retire from porn. In hindsight, becoming a competitive eater wasn’t the smartest idea, but Harry needs the money. Dude is literally falling apart because of his armadillo addiction.

A stomach cramp like a fifty pound dick to the gut hits her. She bends in half, knocking her head off the table. She can feel the Poop Train barreling down the Bowel Expressway and barely makes it to her feet, much less the bathroom, before she’s spraying hot dog chunk from her anus like a meaty machine gun.

As he’s being dragged off stage, the POTUS takes a half-chewed anus frank to the mouth. Chewing and swallowing, he doesn’t seem to mind.

Here she is, Tits McGee, shooting masticated wieners all over the stage when the tanks start shooting into the audience. She can only shit and pray she’s not next

Later…

Harry was the only survivor of the military takeover. Being that he already looked dead, the clean up crew threw him in the mass grave with everyone else. He waited for dark before he crawled out and made his escape. He now lives in Flagstaff with a large family of armadillos. Travis was actually a Trudi, and Trudi had been pregnant. What a wonderful world. It was a terrific time to be half-dead, seeing how his country had gone to shit.

Tits McGee was transferred by army transport to the local hospital. She got to ride over with the president, who would be placed in the mental health ward on arrival.

The aliens never came, but America, from that day forward, was declared a military state, and all of its citizens treated like illegals.

To this day, no one knows why everyone at the hotdog-eating competition was naked.

 

Bill says: Former porn star gone competitive food eating champion due to her lack of gag reflex (she is a hot dog eating machine – figuratively and literally) that is in danger of losing her new career due to explosive IBS that threatens to take her out of the food game. 

 Nrlymrtl says: An armadillo lover contracts leprosy (which is carried by armadillos and easily transferred to humans) but can’t give up his little buddies so he seeks sanctuary in an unusual dessert abode.

Casper says: The POTUS is placed in an insane asylum as the military takes over the USA.

This was huge fun. Hope you guys enjoyed it. If nothing else, I hope more than a handful of you cringed. *smooches*

See you tomorrow,

E.

Pic of the Day

Drawing by Chris

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