Hello peeps. Today’s fever dream is brought to you by new medication and some of the wildest fucking suggestions I’ve ever seen. But, before we get along with the get-it-on, I wanted to offer a reminder that the War on Christmas paperbacks are still available for pre-order, and if you order them by midnight tonight, you’ll more than likely get them before Christmas. Click on the cover below to order yours today!
(I promise it’s better than the story you’re about to read.)
All right. Enough self-promo shenanigans. On with the story…
by Edward Lorn
The penis pump arrived on the same day the local weather man quit on live television.
Major Storm looked directly into the camera and said, “Shit. I’m forecasting literal shit. That’s it, motherfuckers, I’m done. Holla!” He snatched his mic from his suit jacket, flipped the camera the bird, and walked out of frame. He was never heard from again.
Willy Smalls turned off the television, chuckling as he opened his package from Barley Legal, A-Maze-Ing Sexual Devices for the Whole Family! The penis pump had been giftwrapped for whatever reason, and Willy, saddened at having to destroy something so lovely, cried as he tore into the beautiful red-and-green paper.
The pump, unwrapped, was shaped vaguely like a banana to, as advertised, conform to a man’s “natural curve”. Willy’s penis wasn’t long enough to curve, so the feature was wasted on him. He just hoped this contraption would, at the very least, double his inch-long ding dong. Had his dick been thick enough to get friction with, say, a pickle jar, he might not have purchased the lengthener. Alas, his penis was not only short but thin, as well. The size of his wang, or lack thereof, had caused the boys in school to nickname him Needle Dick the Bug Fucker, seeing as how his teensy tiny tent stake was small enough to pleasure the very smallest of insects.
“We’ll see what they say when they get a load of my freshly enlarged ramrod!”
He placed the pump upon his inverted cock and flipped the power button into the On position. The pump growled to life, vibrating and rumbling like a diesel engine.
Over the din of the pump, Will heard his cell ringing. He picked up the phone. The screen read : WORK. He answered.
“Hello? Willy? Willy Smalls? That you?”
“Yeah!” he hollered over the pump’s engine.
“They doin’ construction over here? Is that a jackhammer I hear?”
“Yeah!” he lied. He gazed in wide-eyed amusement as his penis grew three sizes this day. “Holy shit!”
“What? What’s holy shit?”
“Nothing, boss. Whatcha need?”
“Can you come into work today?”
“Why?” His cock was now four times bigger than normal, all but filling the pump’s vacuum chamber with pinky, veiny flesh.
“It’s Wild West day and we’ve… well, we’ve had some people who had to leave… um… due to illness.”
“Yeah. Something like that. Can you come in?”
Willy thought about it. Maybe he could find someone to show his massive cock to. That would be rad.
He said, “Yeah. Sure. Why not. Be there in an hour.”
He turned the pump off and sat for a moment, admiring his swollen fuckstick. His dick glared back at him like a cyclops with its face smashed against glass.
“I’m twice the man I used to be!” he sang as he got ready for work.
It rained shit all the way to work. No wonder the weatherman quit.
Willy Smalls was not expecting the carnage he walked in on.
The zoo where he had become a mess of blood and shit. Smashed bodies lay about the pathways half buried in piles of poop: heads crushed to pulp; torsos mashed pancake thin; a wild pig, its rhinestone leash dangling in the collected viscera waste matter, chewed at a flattened corpse. A woman in a Chinese immigrant outfit on a horse that Willy thought he recognized as Shirley from Human Resources covered in layer upon layer of blood and gore and feces trotted up to him.
“What happened here?”
“It’s all my fault! I was leading Hamhock around by his rhinestone leash when we came upon the elephant attraction. I should’ve known that horses don’t like elephants and elephants don’t like pigs. I work for a zoo for fuck’s sake! It’s all my fault!”
“You work in HR, Shirley. You couldn’t have known.”
“IT’S ALL MY FAULT!” Shirley squealed as she raced off toward the shark tank, where she jumped, horse and all, into the water. The waters came alive at the smell of her gore-soaked body and both mare and HR employee were eaten alive.
“Willy? Willy, that you?” came the familiar voice of Blake Lakewood, general manager of the zoo.
“Why’d you call me in, Blake? Everybody’s dead.”
“Exactly. Someone has to take care of the animals.”
“The fuck are you talking about? You don’t need to be calling people into work. You need to call the police!”
“Something’s wrong with you.”
Willy screamed, “Something’s wrong with me? You’re the one calling—”
“No look, Willy. Your dick…”
Willy looked down in horror at the crotch of his pants as his cock burst through his zipper. His dick was yellow and bumpy, and it took him a moment to realize what had happened.
Blake giggled. “Look! Corn on the knob!”
An orgasmic tremor dropped Willy to his knees as something vaguely human-shaped spurted from the tip of his corny cock.
A slimy witch covered in a thick layer of man-glaze stood and cackled. She was dressed completely in cornhusks, even her pointed witches hat was made of veiny husks.
“The ritual is complete!” she crowed. “Soon, the world will bow before the magic of Brenda Barley!”
“Who the fuck is she?” Blake yelled. “What the fuck’s going on!”
“I’ve come for your souls!” Brenda Barley cackled, her voice screeching to the heavens. “You shall all know the horrors of high-fructose corn syrup!”
Brenda Barley mumbled some gibberish and pointed to Willy’s starchy penis. The individual kernels first smoked then popped as his dick erupted in popcorn. He wailed in pain as his massive dong was reduced to theater snacks.
In the distance but growing closer by the second came the thunderous footfalls of a great beast. Brenda Barley, Blake Lakewood, and Willy Smalls never had a chance.
Around the shark tank came Elly the Elephant, gargantuan and unstoppable. She crushed the remaining survivors underfoot in a kind of electric slide dance her trainers had taught her. Then she took a break and had some popcorn.
Because elephants, when deprived peanuts, will enjoy popcorn just as much.
NRLYMRTL says: My submission: Her task had been simple. It was Wild West week at the zoo. There were all sorts of kids’ activities and family friendly memes scheduled. She was to ride a horse around the park, decked out in her Chinese immigrant Wild West attire, while leading a very large friendly pig around on a rhinestone leash. Alas, horses are terrified of elephants and elephants are insensibly maddened by pigs. Things got messy.
William Jones says: Ted, also known as Needle Dick the Bug Fucker, frustrated with the small stature of his male member orders a penis enlargement pump from an ad he found in the back of his Barley Legal magazine only to discover the device is haunted by the specter of an ancient Maze Witch. (That’s right Barley Legal, not Barely. Ted in addition to have the world’s smallest penis has an abnormal sexual fetish for agriculturial products, especially corn). His member grows kernel by kernel, out of control…
Casper says: Shit falls from the sky and overwhelms the senses.
Okay, this was likely the dumbest shit I’ve ever written, but it was so much goddamn fun. Thanks to everyone who played.
See you tomorrow,
Pic of the Day