Hello peeps. Before we get to the story, I wanted to ask you guys if you’d be interested in a livestream tomorrow of me reading War on Christmas series: The Naughty List, Deck the Halls, and Beyond the Gates of Toyland? Shouldn’t take more than an hour or so to read live. Let me know if you’d be interested in me doing that tomorrow.
Now, I tried several things with the hopes of making this a Christmas-themed story, but they all failed. In the end, I decided to stop trying to force this into being something it didn’t want to be and settled for the story you are about to read. I hope you enjoy this extremely odd little bit of flash fiction.
“Hitchhiking with the Jolly Green Giant”
by Edward Lorn
Little known fact that I just made up: In 1960, the Jolly Green Giant was played by a man named Bartholomew Johnson. In the commercial “The Valley Fair”, which led to Johnson’s eventual fame and fortune, he’s standing, legs spread, in front of what looks to be a cornfield and bellowing “Ho, ho, ho!”
In 1975, The Jolly Green Giant (Bartholomew Johnson) retired from the silver screen a legend. Having done over two hundred thousand commercials, twelve billion voiceovers, and nine niche adult films in the Corn Porn subgenre, Bart had become tired of the limelight. So, one summer day, he enrolled himself into college, hoping that one day he might successfully film the mating habits of echidnas.
To Bart’s sadness, echidnas are notoriously shy and do not like mating on camera. Because of this, Bart decided to drop out of school and live a life on the road. He bought a Winnebago recreational vehicle and hit the highways and byways of America. Little did anyone know that, no matter how many miles lay between himself and his alma mater, echidnas would continue to haunt him.
Halfway between New York and California, Bart came across a young man nodding and hitchhiking. Bart pulled the Winnebago onto the side of the road and waited while the young man, head bouncing all the way, ran up to the passenger side and hopped in.
“Ho, ho, ho!” Bart said in welcome.
“Who’re you—fucking Santa Claus?” the boy asked, his head flopping up and down and side to side as he spoke.
“No, no, no!” Bart said.
“So this is your thing? You just repeat the same three words over and over again?”
“Why do I always get picked up by the weirdos?” He sighed and sat back as the Winnebago merged once again with traffic.
Unbelievably enough, somewhere in between Russia and the United States, the pair came across a hitchhiking echidna. Bart pulled over. The spiny anteater climbed aboard. Because there was no more room in the cabin and riding in the back of RV is illegal, Phil was made to sit on the dashboard while the echidna got the passenger seat. With that, the trio set off for parts unknown.
Along the way, the boy said, “My name is Phil, by the way. They call me Bobble-head Phil.”
“Who, who, who?”
“Who calls me that?” Phil asked.
Bart nodded then caught himself in case Phil thought that he was mocking him.
“Everyone I ever come across has called me that.”
“Sad, sad, sad!”
The echidna murmured something unintelligible that wasn’t likely even words but simply the sounds this species of animal made and Phil fell madly in love with it. The gender of the echidna not mattering because, after all, love is blind and sexless, Phil attempted to seduce the creature in the dark confines of the Winnebago’s winterized bedroom.
As Bobble-head Phil and the nameless echidna made love in secret, the RV rolled on, their cries of passion unheard over the growl of the Winnebago’s mighty engine.
But, up front, Bart watched, enthralled, as the night vision camera he’d installed in his bedroom caught the duo’s sexual escapades.
Phil went down on the now-obviously-male echidna, his lack of vertebrae an obvious aid where fellatio was concerned. The nameless echidna howled and exploded in orgasm. Phil rolled away, scratching at his throat. Bart watched in horror as Phil’s throat swelled and the echidna spun atop the mattress, breakdancing in terror.
Bart slung the Winnebago onto the side of the road, jammed the selector into Park, and raced back to the bathroom. Flipping on the light, he yelled, “What, what what?!”
The echidna made noises that surely said, “Please, good sir, help my new lover, for he is choking to death!”
But Phil was not choking to death. Now that the lights were on, Bart could see the pustules rising and popping on Phil’s skin. The boy was obviously allergic to something. In his detah throes, Phil jabbed a finger at the cans of Green Giant peas, the company’s parting gift to their old spokesman, which lined the compartment’s walls.
“All—ler—gic?” Bart asked.
The boy’s floppy head flopped harder.
Must be a serious fucking allergy to effect you through aluminum cans! Bart’s mind screamed as he dragged the boy from the bedroom compartment and back to the front of the RV. Bart found an Epi-Pen in the RV’s first aid kit and stabbed the device into Phil’s chest.
Moments later, Phil was fine, because that’s exactly how Epi-Pens work. They’re magical and I definitely did not just make that up.
Because Bart felt terrible, he gave Phil a job as his dashboard’s bobble-head. Bart then went on to publish the film of Phil and the echidna making love, lifting the fog of taboo from the echidna-mating niche of adult film. The echidna, who was ashamed at the leaked sex tape, sued for invasion of privacy and Bart was left penniless. No longer able to pay Phil’s salary, Bart poured several cans of peas onto the young man while he slept. With Phil dead, Bart drove the Winnebago off a cliff into the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant and all was right with the world.
Bill says: Bobble-Head Phil was born without the first 5 vertebrae in his neck causing his head to consistently nod. The only job he can get is a dashboard Jesus for the Jolly Green Giants recreational Winnebago. And Phil’s allergic to peas! Will Phil be able to beat his hives and keep his job or will his oozing sores force him out of a job and into the streets.
Nrlymrtl says: He has been working on his PhD in animal behavior but unfortunately he stubbornly insisted on echidna mating habits for his final thesis. Echidnas are notoriously shy when it comes to mating and getting the actual act on film is difficult, to say the least. He has studied preserved echidnas but like so many others, the exact usage of the 4 headed penis is still a bit foggy. He’s determined to lift that fog!
See you tomorrow,
Pic of the Day