My Semi-Fictional Life #119 (Recipe: Colon Collapser Meatloaf)

Hello peeps. Today I have a recipe for my newest invention, Colon Collapser Meatloaf. Try at your own risk.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2 pounds of hamburger

Tablespoon of each: kosher salt and black pepper.

1/4 cup of each: finely-diced carrots, finely-diced onion, finely-diced celery, ranch dressing, worcestershire sauce, and ketchup

2 eggs

1 1/2 cups of plain breadcrumbs

1 habanero, diced

2 tablespoon of some stupidly-hot hot sauce, preferably something with ghost peppers, trinidad scorpion peppers, or carolina reapers in it. I used Fat Cat’s “Cat in Heat” sauce. If you’re the only one who likes hot stuff in your family, leave out the pepper and the sauce, mix everything to your liking, separate a bit for yourself and add two teaspoons of hot sauce and about a quarter of the pepper. Or, if you really want your colon to collapse, throw in the full amount I mentioned above. Bake in separately in smaller pan or in muffin tins. DO NOT COOK IN SAME PAN AS EVERYONE ELSE’S MEATLOAF.

Mix thoroughly. You want it the consistency of loose Playdough, so if you need to add more breadcrumbs don’t be scared. Pour some more of that shit in. If you stick a finger in it and the hole doesn’t fill in, you nailed it.

Pour that motherfucker in a meatloaf pan and cook uncovered for 45-50 minutes, or until done to your standards.

Garnish with ketchup, because it’s sexy. Also because it’s fucking hot and the ketchup is refreshing after dumping lava on your palate.

Serve with mashed potatoes and corn, or whatever floats your boat.


Colon should collapse on the following morning, but results may vary.

See you tomorrow,


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