My Semi-Fictional Life #120 (A Review… Kinda…)

Hello peeps. Today I have a rant followed by a review.

If you get your book recommendations from me, I would like for you to read the next four paragraphs. If you’re here for the review, scroll down until you see REVIEW STARTS HERE. Thanks.

Friends who joke about me steering them wrong are not the topic of conversation today.

We all have our breaking points. Mine came yesterday in the form of 12 negative comments and three reviews written by friends, or at least those I am well enough acquainted with on Goodreads to call friends. Only one person called me out by name, but the other two alluded enough with their “prominent author reviewer” and “author more known for his reviews than his own work” comments. All three of these reviews were of a book I’d recently read, and because the one who mentioned me by name buddy-read with the other two, well, I just put one and two together. Point taken, assholes. I hope the block button works this time.

I received a total of 23 comments yesterday, and over half were mean-spirited or downright fucking ugly. I deleted the ugly ones, as I usually do. I’m not naming names here either. If you’re that interested I’m sure you can find out who and what I’m talking about. Usually, I let this shit go. Just like negative reviews of my work, I just chalk it up to people’s opinions, which I cannot, nor would I want to, change.

But yesterday was too much for even me to handle. So the assholes won and I wrote a ragey little review on Goodreads. If you read it, I meant what I said. I’m not taking that back. Stop blaming me for books you don’t like. You’re a fucking adult and you’re responsible for your own goddamn money. I don’t write reviews to sell books. I write them because I find them entertaining, and other people seem to like them, so I make them public. If you buy a book because I liked it, that’s your choice. But if you continue to buy books I like and continue to dislike them and then bitch about how I recommended it, I’m going to be frank and call you a fucking moron. You’re Bart Simpson grabbing for that electrified piece of cheese again and again and again. Obviously you don’t have the processing speed to compute that you and I don’t like the same shit. It’s certainly not a problem with me.


I don’t have much to say about the book other than I enjoyed it and that I understand why people didn’t like it. Consumed is definitely a polarizing experience. Hell, even I hated it until the last hundred pages. I kept saying to myself, “If he manages to pull all these threads together I’m giving him five stars.” Well, Cronenberg came through by the end, but something still niggled me. I’ll highlight that in the spoiler section.

In summation: Sorry that I don’t have much to say about this mindtrip, but I feel that mentioning even what’s in the synopsis would be a spoiler. Enjoy or hate it for yourself. I dug it by the end.

Final Judgment: As good, if not better, than his movies.

Spoiler discussion: I cannot stress this enough. I ruin the entire book. 


Nathan catches STD from Dunja, who was Molnar’s patient, and ends up giving Naomi the disease. Because of this, he goes looking for Roiphe, finds him and his daughter Chase, who has the 3D printing press. While this is going on, Naomi meets Question-Mark Cock (Herve Blomquist? Molnar? Romme Vernegaal? Already can’t remember lol), who directs her to Astroglide. She flies to Japan and interviews Astroglide about killing and eating Celestine. Cue flashbacks in first person of Astroglide’s life and his super duper hearing aids. One boobectomy later, Celestine disappears. Question-Mark Cock and Astroglide conspire with Chase to build a fake Celestine with her 3D printer for a faux-cannibal photo shoot. French police might or might not know Celestine isn’t dead, but they want to extradite Astroglide anyway, so he dips out to North Korea because Japan is considering letting them. Naomi goes mad for some fucking reason while Nathan digs up all the clues and puts everything together.

Here’s my biggest beef with the whole production. Cut out Nathan’s convoluted journey and you’re left with a pretty succinct story. Nathan’s sections served as a root to reality. While Naomi is over here losing her mind, Nathan is centered and collecting data. That’s great, but the catalyst to this whole section is the reliance on Nathan going after Roiphe, which hinges on him catching the disease from Dunya, which relied on her talking him out of using a condom, which relied on him wanting to fuck her in the first place. If I remember correctly, her body was like the female version of the elephant man, all covered in tumors. That seemed like a pretty thin, extremely convoluted way to get Nathan into the story. Not unbelievable, just overdone in my opinion.


See you tomorrow,


Pic of the Day