Why Are You Such an Asshole?

Once upon a time, I received my first ever advance review copy in the form of Kristopher Rufty’s Last One Alive, a fun slasher novella with one of the more memorable slashers I’ve come across. I found numerous errors in the book, but I loved the story, so I gave the book five stars and emailed the author to inform him about the errors. I never mentioned the errors in my review.

Fast forward to the week after Last One Alive released. I received an email from Amazon about how I had a response to my first review on their site! I clicked on the link and read the response.

“When are authors goning [sic] to learn that readers know when they swap reviews.” The lack of a question mark was also [sic] so I didn’t answer, you know, because it wasn’t a question.

*giggles*

But in all seriousness, I had no idea what the fuck this user was talking about. I hadn’t swapped reviews with Rufty. I didn’t even know the guy. I’d happened upon his Facebook post offering review copies of his latest book, asked for one in the comments, and he sent me one. To this day, I don’t think he’s ever read a single word of mine.

Another week passed and the hate kept on coming. I was getting regular messages and comments about how I failed to mention how poorly the book had been edited, as if I’d been lying to cover for him. It was my first public review under this name, and my own book hadn’t even come out yet. Bay’s End wouldn’t be out until early 2012. I had “author” as my profession on Facebook, and I didn’t have a Twitter account, but my Goodreads account was brand new and didn’t say anything about me being an author. On my Goodreads review of Last One Alive, someone said, “Why are you hiding that you’re an author?” I never responded. I deleted my personal account, in turn deleting my review on Goodreads, and then I deleted my Amazon review. From that day on, I promised myself I’d always mention even the smallest error in my reviews.

Months went by, my book came out, and I kept right on reviewing. Despite advice from my editor and friends, I continued to review. The more brutally honest I was in my reviews, the more likes I got. The more likes I got, the more books I sold. I was being honest and it was paying off. Years went by and I gained a reputation as someone readers trusted and authors feared. Silly, I know, but to this day I still get comments like, “Thanks for the review! I was kinda worried when I saw you were reading my books…” Or, if the review is negative, I’ll hear about so-and-so complaining about me with one of the many authors whom I’ve been critical of over the years. I don’t mind that, by the way. Seeking solidarity is fine by me.

Anyway, I never wanted this reputation. I never wanted to be “the only honest author,” as someone called me on Twitter last month. (There are a lot of honest authors: Michael Patrick Hicks, the Berhg (probably spelled that wrong), Linda Hilton, Daniel Barnett, Gregor Xane, and numerous others) I don’t want to be feared or even respected. I just want to be able to read and share my opinion without being labeled a bully, or as one slighted author calls me on occassion, a “miserable fat cunt.”.

Am I honest? Yes. Have I personally attacked authors? I’m not proud of it, but yes, in the past I have. (Despite what I say in my review of Jeffrey Ford’s The Twilight Pariah, I have no proof that Paul Tremblay fucks turtles. [I’m chuckling just typing that because I am, indeed, a terrible person]). Satire is no excuse. Fucking turtles is serious business, and I’m sure Tremblay respects all amphibians, whether they be teenaged mutants or otherwise. Some of my most popular reviews have been what some have called “hit pieces”: see my hilarious-albeit-immature reviews of Along Came a Spider, by James Patterson, and Armada, by Ernest Cline. Jerusalem, by Alan Moore, is another such review, although it’s a bit more mature, in tone if not language. I’ve long thought that if the books I read are not entertaining, the review should be. I have crossed the line from time to time, but like Paul Tremblay in the aquarium section of PetSmart, I never meant any harm.

Fine, I’ll stop! Shit, if no one else thinks it’s funny I sure as shit do. Just goddamn imagine a grown-ass man trying to fuck a tiny-ass turtle. I’ll wait…

No? Fine. FINE! I’ll stop…

…you goddamn turtle fucker.

Today’s blog is not a plea to understand or forgive me. This is not me saying I’m going to change my ways, and it certainly is not crowd control. There’s nothing going on (that I’m aware of…) What this blog is is a bit of introspection. I wanted to see if I could pinpoint the moment that I became the Edward Lorn everyone knows and loves/hates, and I feel that I became this hero/monster after that first response to my Last One Alive review on Amazon. Since then, I’ve responded to every author’s inquiry to review each other’s books with “Sorry, I don’t participate in review swaps.” I’ve been unfollowed for doing so, and in some extreme cases I’ve been blocked. Authors are a touchy breed. They’re either totally accepting, or viciously cruel. Rarely do you find anyone in the middle. Even I, depending on what circles you run in, am considered to be one or the other.

But one thing’s for sure. Despite my reputation, (talentless turtle fuckers aside…I kid, I KID!) I’ve only ever been honest. Even that original Rufty review was my sincere opinion, and I wish everyone would check his book out. I’ve never left a negative review in retaliation, or because I was jealous. My reviews have always been my honest personal opinions. For better or worse, I am what I am. Love me or hate me, your opinion of me affects me not at all.

In reading news, I finished So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed and ‘Salem’s Lot. I’m still reading (and loving) Black House with my good friend Angela, and I’m amost done with an ARC of Recursion, by Blake Crouch. I’ll be starting my reread of The Shining this week, and an ARC of The Ditch, by Herman Koch, once I’m done with Recursion. What are y’all reading, and how’ve you been since the last time we spoke? No weight updates today. I have a surprise coming this week and I don’t wanna spoil it.

Take care of one another, and I’ll see you next Monday!

E.

Mad at me? How about you…

Buy all of Paul Tremblay’s books: https://www.amazon.com/Paul-Tremblay/e/B001JRTI1K

And Rufty’s: https://www.amazon.com/Last-One-Alive-Kristopher-Rufty-ebook/dp/B00CDQZ8BK/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Last+one+alive+Kristopher+rufty&qid=1559078441&s=gateway&sr=8-2

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Of Bedrest, Withdrawls, and Recovery

Weekly weigh-in: 322.8. Down two pounds from last week. It isn’t much, but there’s a reason for that. There’s also a silver lining in today’s blog, so hang with me. We’ll get there. This isn’t some pity party, I promise. At least this time there’s a happy ending.

Last Wednesday I woke up, tossed my legs over the edge of the bed, and rolled up using my legs as a counterweight. The momentum helps to keep strain off your back when you’re sitting up. I learned the trick during one of my many stays at in-patient rehab, usually after one of my five different back surgeries. I’ve had to relearn how to walk twice. Anyway, I did everything I was supposed to do while getting up Wednesday morning, and I hadn’t done anything stressful or labor-intensive the day before, but once I stood, it felt as if several claws grabbed onto my back meat and twisted. Excruciating pain dropped me to my knees. Luckily, I didn’t shatter a kneecap, because all three-hundred twenty-two pounds came down on them. I screamed like a banshee in a bear trap. Chelle and the kids came running. We almost called an ambulance, but the cramp finally loosened and I was able to get back in bed. I called my doctor, she wrote me a ‘script for the strongest stuff you can get without an IV, and my mother went to pick it up. I spent Wednesday to Saturday in bed, stoned out of my mind, and I stayed pretty much away from social media because I didn’t want to risk saying anything uncouth while doped to the gills. I ran out of the good dope on Saturday, and guess what happened Sunday?

Withdrawals.

For those of you who don’t know, I was a heroin junkie from 1997 to 2001. I quit when I met the woman who’s now my wife—Chelle. I tell you what, man, I don’t miss withdrawals whatsoever. Nastiest fucking feeling on the planet. Shit crawling under your skin. Greasy sweats. You smell like ammonia and ass, if you can imagine that. The odor is the chemicals leaving your body through your pores. Nothing fun about withdrawals, which is why drugs like heroin are so hard to kick. Mind you, the shit my doctor gave me is legal. Heroin is not. The legal dope is synthetically similar to heroin, but it’s also a controlled, time-release dose. Anyfuck, it was fun while it lasted. I hate to say that, but I can only be honest with you.

I woke up Sunday morning absolutely done with bed. Sick and fucking tired of my mattress. I didn’t want to see it again for a month, I was so done. I got up and stripped the bedding, which of course smelled like an unwashed junkie, and took everything to the laundry room. I put on my shoes and socks and left the house, phone in tow, Usher’s Passing, by Robert McCammon, audiobook loaded and good to go.

I WALKED FOR FOUR FUCKING MILES!

I posted to Instagram and Twitter, I was so excited. I might have gone farther, but my right foot, the one attached to my gimpy leg (I have neuropathy in that leg due to nerve damage, which is a side effect of my back surgeries, and so on), started to feel like I was walking on glass. I stopped on the side of the road and called my mother to come pick me up, because Chelle and I don’t drive. She has extreme anxiety behind the wheel, and my leg is undependable so I can’t manage the pedals.

Here I was terrified that I’d done something to myself, and it seems all I needed was a little downtime. Today, I walked another three miles, and might’ve done more, but it seems I’m acquiring a blister on my left foot. I was a mess trying to go that last mile. I’m sure my hobbling-ass looked a fuckin sight! But I refused to give up because, other than my burning left foot, I felt amazing.

Side note: anybody know what to do about a foot blister? If you say “stay off it” I’mma ignore you cuz I’m stubborn.

By the end, I’d walked from downtown Prattville, near the courthouse, through several side streets and alleys, until I ended up at the library, my home away from home. There I found four books that piqued my interest for a quarter a piece. I grabbed them and then proceeded to call my ride.

All in all, it was a fantastic day. If you want to see my weekly weigh-in, my book haul, and some other updates, you can check out my Instagram @EdwardLorn.

It’s also been announced that I’m one of A Stranger Dreams’ new reps. I’ll be showcasing their products on my YouTube channel, and you guys will get a discount if you use my coupon code. More on that when I find out more details.

So yeah, this shitty-ass of a week came out fine in the end. I’m happy anyway. Many thanks to everyone who wished me well while I was down, and the same goes for all of my cheerleaders on Twitter and Instagram. I’m determined to beat this belly. Maybe one day I’ll even walk a 5k…or run a marathon. Anything’s possible.

In reading news, I’m blowing right through Black House, by King and Straub, with my good friend Angela. I’m also still audiobooking ‘Salem’s Lot with Isaak, as well as listening to Usher’s Passing while I walk, but holy shit what a struggle the McCammon book is. Lastly, I’m reading a chapter a night from So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, by Jon Ronson, and enjoying it. I’ve long read a nonfiction book a month, but I usually kept them to myself. For some reason I felt that sharing my nonfiction reads was an invasion of privacy, as if it gave people a view of me they shouldn’t be allowed. I no longer feel that way, though, and I have no idea where I got that idea to begin with…

You know how we do. Chime in down there in the doobly-doo and lemme know what you’re reading and how life is going for you. I love hearing from everyone. I might not always respond (because there’s not always call for me to) but I read everyone’s posts.

Take care of each other, and I’ll see you here again next Monday.

E.

I’ve Lost a Small Child

I’ve been saving today’s post for the past two weeks because, honestly, it’s seemed too good to be true. But now that it’s been verified on several accounts, let’s discuss how I lost a small child…

I am currently 324 lbs (147kg), down from 387lbs (176kg), which is what I weighed at my doctor’s appointment in January. When exactly I lost all of this weight, I have no idea. I spent all of January, February, and March in bed, eating almost nonstop. I was packing in about 5,000 calories a day: fried chicken, two to three sandwiches at a time, chips, ramen (two packets at a time), and so much more. I was killing myself with food and telling myself I was happy. The cost of my food alone was $400 a month. I ate like that all the way up until April 21, when I started my bone broth fast. The bone broth fast lasted only two days, mainly because the broth was nasty tasting, and over those two days I had a total of only 12 ounces of broth. Then from April 23rd until May 11 all I had was water, apple cider vinegar, and vitamin supplements. I did have a cheat day right in the middle of that time, during which I had a double bacon cheeseburger, a large fry, and an Oreo peanut butter and bacon milkshake from Five Guys. That meal was about 1,600 calories.

To recap, that’s 1,600 calories, total, between April 23 and May 11. Three weeks with only one meal. When I saw my doctor on April 29, I weighed in at 330lbs (150kg).

I have not weighed myself since May 9. On the 9th, I weighed 324lbs on my personal scale, down another 6lbs since my appointment on April 29. I posted my proof to Instagram, which I’ll link to HERE. On Saturday, I had lemon-pepper chicken (breast meat only), asparagus, and carrots, all roasted, and yesterday I had chicken tenders and mac and cheese. Regular-human sized portions of all.

Even without eating, I’ve had an insane amount of energy. I’ve been walking (with and without my walker, as my leg allows), riding my recumbent bike, and strength training my arms (five and ten pounds weights; I’ll link to the routine I use HERE). I’ve gotten to the point that I need to do some kind of exercise every day or else I feel jittery and anxious. I, one of the laziest people on the planet, seem to now be addicted to activity. Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you.

Speaking of my leg allowing, I haven’t had a fall in a few weeks, and I seem to be relying on the walker less and less. Supposedly, apple cider vinegar helps with neuropathy. I don’t know how true that is, but my leg seems to be more dependable. Perhaps it’s all in my head, but I know it’s holding me up longer than it used to. I can only hope that the trend continues.

My body is changing in crazy ways, too, as one might expect from such weight loss. I’m losing the majority of my weight in my chest, arms, and legs right now. My belly is getting looser, too, but that’s where the bulk of my weight is, so it’ll be a while before I see big results there. I don’t really see much difference in my face, but people online are saying I’m thinning out. Then again, I see myself in the mirror every day, so is it any wonder that I’m the last one to notice?

Because I’ve done so well on my water fast, I’m returning to it today. Health-wise, I should be fine until I hit around 250lbs (114kg), or so my nutritionist calculates. Under that weight I run the risk of damaging my organs. Right now, my body is eating the fat I’ve stored up over the past 30 years, but if it starts eating muscle I’ll be in trouble. I’m being closely monitored, so when that starts happening, I’ll return to a regular diet.

I will say, I can no longer eat like I used to. I barely finished my meal at Five Guys (it wasn’t that great tasting either, if I’m honest), and eating this weekend left me stuffed until I visited the bathroom. This morning, I have no appetite.

Now for the part everyone’s been asking me for. My routine the past three weeks has been as follows:

I get up in the morning around 4am and have a Centrum Men’s One-a-Day multivitamin, 16 ounces of black coffee, and a shot of apple cider vinegar with a 20oz bottle of water as a chaser. After that, as per usual, I go out to the office and write until my butt hurts. Once I’m done writing, I’ll go for my walk, or do my strength training routine. Afterward, I have my electrolyte supplement and a bottle of water. Then I’ll shower and lay down to read. Twice a day, I take 500mg potassium with a 20 ounce bottle of water. (My after-workout electrolyte supplement also has potassium, as does my multivitamin.) At about 4pm, I cook dinner for the fam. We all sit together during dinner because it’s one of the only times throughout the day we get to spend together without interruption. I have another bottle of water while they eat, then I lay down to read until bedtime. All throughout the day, I fuck around on social media. And that’s it.

I know all that might sound sad and boring, but it really isn’t. It’s a rather pleasant routine. I’m enjoying it, anyway.

So there’s the update I promised. I’ll do weekly weigh-ins, but I don’t think I’ll be doing the video logs like I promised. Too much editing work I don’t have time for, and I don’t think I want my channel to become a weightloss vlog. A few people have already called me an inspiration, and that makes me really fuckin uncomfortable. Everyone’s body’s different, and if this routine is done by the wrong person, it can be lethal, so please don’t do what I’m doing without your doctor’s blessing and supervision. If someone got sick and/or died because I “inspired” them, I…well, I have no idea what I’d do. It would likely destroy me, so please, please, please, don’t try this at home.

In reading news, I finished Star, by Yukio Mishima, and The Mask, by Dean Koontz (reread with my good friend Delee), and hated both. I’m currently reading and loving Those Across the River, by Christopher Buehlman, So You’ve Been Publicly Shamed, by Jon Ronson, and ‘Salem’s Lot, by Stephen King (audiobook reread with Sylvanus [aka Isaak from chat]). Once I’m done with ‘Salem’s Lot, I’ll be starting my reread of Black House, by King and Straub, with my friend Angela, if she can finish The Talisman in time, that is.

Let me know what y’all are reading down there in the doobly-doo. I love hearing from you, even if I don’t always respond. If I don’t respond, please believe it’s because I either have nothing to add, or I was busy. Never think I’m ignoring you.

Take care of each other, and I’ll see y’all next Monday, unless you’re a YouTube subscriber, then I’ll see you tomorrow.

E.

VIDJAS!

I Need All of the Sleep

Where the fuck has this year gone? My mother always told me to cherish my youth because time moves faster the older you get but I didn’t believe her. 2019 is almost hallway gone and I’ve yet to write out the year correctly once. Not one single damn time. On Friday, during a rather unimportant meeting that has no baring on this conversation whatsoever and thus we shall move along, I wrote 2017 on every form I signed. Luckily sevens are easily turned into nines, but it was still embarrassing. I just looked old dude in the eye and said, “Bruh, I haven’t looked at a calendar since 2011.” He laughed. I was dead serious but he laughed. So I laughed. Now it’s a joke between us. Whatever.

I’ve been swept up in a sequence of events that I have complete control over but it all feels like chaos. I spent four days out of town, and a bit out of my mind. All good things, but motherfuck is life moving quickly. Before I left, I had to ship 200 packages to pre-order customers and Patreon patrons. It was nuts, but I made it. Just in time too. I dropped the packages off at the post office five minutes before they closed and was then whisked away to parts unknown.

Kidding. I knew where we were going. Didn’t make the trip less exciting or painful. Yeah, you read that right. I was pretty miserable the entire time. Like being drunk but not being able to get your dick up. Ladies, whatever simile works for you, please translate for yourselves. This trip was the farthest I’ve travelled since my fall in January, and then I had to get around on a walker when I got there, but I made it. I’ve been in an herbal coma for the past two days and I’m just now starting to feel like I can move without screaming.

This is going to be a short post because I’m exhausted. I need all of the sleep. All of it. I’ll update you guys on the weight loss and fasting and all that next time.

But you know how we do. Lemme know what you’re reading below, and anything else that tickles your fancy.

I’m currently reading The Mask, by Dean Koontz, with my buddy Delee, False Bingo, by Jac Jemc, which is due out this October, and I’m listening to ‘Salem’s Lot, with my dude Isaak, aka Sylvanus.

OH! AND I FINALLY FINISHED THE TALISMAN!!!

Take care of one another,

E.

Losing a Backstreet Boy

I used to joke that I was so fat that it was like I was carrying around a whole Backstreet Boy. I even had a blog called “Losing a Backstreet Boy” back in the day. It’s still up, I believe. Today’s blog title is also clickbait. I fully expect comments in the vein of “I thought a Backstreet Boy had died. I was finna riot!”

This is the last post of April, and the first update concerning my progress fasting, which I discussed in last week’s post.

As of today, I’ve not had solid food since Saturday, April 20. I had bone broth last Sunday and Monday, six ounces each day, for a total of 12oz over those two days. The broth not only made me unbearably gassy, but my burps tasted like rancid cow fat. Let us not talk about the aroma of my southward expulsions. Suffice it to say that, during one close call, I almost killed the cat, for she was within the blast radius and ill-equipped to deal with the sudden venting of my colon. Demon did survivor, but not without emotional trauma, I’m sure.

The third day of my fast (the first day without broth) was the worst. Severe hunger hit me upon waking, but I persevered with one thought in mind:

“If I fuck around and eat, I’ll never know if tomorrow would’ve been better than today.”

And I’ll be damned if the next day wasn’t leagues better than the previous. My hunger was gone. It had simply vanished overnight, never to be seen again. I haven’t been hungry since Wednesday. It’s currently Monday morning. Fucking weird, right?

I suppose it’s like any other addiction, or any new exercize. Those first few days are murder. Cigarettes, alcohol, even heroin, all of which I’ve beaten, were the same way. First three or four days I thought I was going to die if I didn’t consume my drug of choice.

Food itself isn’t the addiction here. It’s the activity of eating that’s the problem. I love eating. My main problem was that I had to be eating while watching television. Nowadays TV has been replaced by YouTube, but it’s the same idea. If I have visual stimuli going, I have to be cramming food into my gob. I watch upwards of ten hours of YouTube a day. Yes, that’s ten hours each and every day. And, yes, I used to eat during that time. The only time I wasn’t laying in bed, watching YouTube and eating, was when I was having dinner with the family, cooking, writing, or sleeping. I had even started eating while reading, which is a development that surfaced just this year. I was easily packing away seven thousand calories a day. That’s insane.

I wish I had an update on my weight, but I don’t go see my doctor until 3 pm today. I’ll update the blog with my weigh-in tonight, right at the top for everyone to see, when I get home tonight. We’re seeing Avengers: Endgame directly afterward, so it’ll be late. I’ll also be uploading a vlog this week, on Tuesday or Wednesday, noting my progress, including my exercise routine and water/supplement intake.

I’m happy as hell right now. I’ve had only positive side effects during this fast. No headaches, no abdominal pains, no bloating, no cramping, no weakness, none of the warning signs that I should end my fast. Since that fight with hunger last Wednesday, it’s been smooth sailing. I actually think it’s too good to be true. I fully expect to get to my doctor’s office today and find I’ve either lost no weight (that’s impossible because I can see a difference when I take off my shirt), or that my lab work will say I’m slowly killing myself. Again, I doubt that’s the case because I feel amazing, but I’m a pessimist at the best of times.

Here’s another oddity for you. My blood sugar, which usually runs between 120 and 140, has been standing steady at 100. I expected it to be in the 30s or 40s, honestly. No way did I think it would maintain a healthy level.

In other vital news, my blood pressure hasn’t gone above 120/60, and I’m sleeping exceptionally well. Like I said, folks, it’s all seemingly too good to be true.

If I had to guess, I’d say I’ve lost a good ten pounds of body fat, not counting water weight. I have huge dents in my gut, which used to be an unmarked dome of pale flesh. Now that unmarked dome looks like the moon after a meteor shower. But no worries. If I’m far off concerning my weightloss, I won’t be discouraged. Disappointed, yes, but not discouraged. I will keep on keeping on until I reach my goal of 250, which I hope to hit by the end of the year. At this point, it’s literally 250 or bust. Or, if you prefer, 250 or die.

Now for other life updates:

In reading news, I finished The Regulators this week. Thursday Theorist made it’s return, to the joy of several fans. I know you’ve been waiting forever, but I had to get these right. I think these final episodes are gonna rock. I might even eventually go back and reshoot the earlier episodes…Maybe.

I’m currently back to reading The Talisman. I think I’ll actually finish it this time. I have less than 130 pages left and it’s started to get interesting. This is my third time reading it, but it feels like the first.

I also finished The Obsoletes, by Simeon Mills (review will be up Wednesday), and immediately started Aetherchrist, by Kirk K. Jones, which I am actively in love with. Dude can write his ass off, if you can dig it. I’m also listening to Carrie for the first time. Fifth time reading the book, but the first time listening to the audiobook narrated by Sissy Spacek. I’ll be starting ‘Salem’s Lot‘s audiobook reread on Wednesday. My friend Isaak, or if you’re familiar with my livestreams, Sylvanus, will be joining me.

In publishing news, CRUELTY & JOY [Episode One] ships out to Patreons today. Pennies for the Damned pre-orders will be going out with them, too, so if you’ve been waiting on that one, your wait will soon be over. Thanks for your patience.

I’m still waiting on the first proof of No Home for Boys from the new printers. I’ll update everyone when those come in.

I suppose that’s all for now. I’ll update the blog with my weight tonight when I get home. In the meantime, lemme know what you’re reading, and anything else going on in your life. I truly love hearing from each of you.

Take care of each other,

E.

 

Extreme Measures Must Be Taken

I’m slowing killing myself eating the way I do, and without the ability to exercise, my options are pretty fucking limited. In case you’re new to the blog, I have a degenerative disc condition and have had five back surgeries since 2005. They did a fusion in 2016, but in January of 2019 I fell six feet off my porch, re-injuring myself. I haven’t been able to walk more than fifty feet since without my right leg giving out on me.

Last year, I had dropped a hell of a lot of weight just walking and cutting out sugar from my diet. I went from 400 pounds to 350 over the course of nine months, which was the lowest I’ve weighed since high school. I was doing so fucking good, and then I fell, setting myself back a whole year. I’m now dangerously close to 400 lbs again with no end to the gaining in sight.

All I do when not writing or shooting videos is lay in bed and eat. I used to not be able to eat and read, but these days I do the two activities simultaneously. I’m putting away $400 worth of food a month by my damn self. If you’re doing the mental calculations on how much food that is for one person, I’ll help you out by saying that my wife and two kids only eat $300 worth of food a month combined. That’s $100 per person. I’m consuming four times as much as each of them, and my weight gain shows it. I men, fucking hell, I’ve gained forty pounds in four months.

Okay, now that you’re up to date, what the fuck am I going to do about it?

Yesterday I began a bone broth fast. Once I run out of broth (I made four gallons) I’m switching to water. I will be ingesting only water and black coffee for, at the very least, seven days. I’m being medically monitored, so save your concerns. I know you mean well, but I don’t want to hear it. More on that in a minute.

At the end of this post I will link you to the exact regimen I will be following. The video is by The Fasting Fatman, and I want anyone who considers commenting about how dangerous this is to watch that video and see his results. I highly suggest watching all of his videos to see just how successful he’s become. He’s built the same as I am, and has the same medical conditions. Not only that, but this was my nutritionist’s idea. Maybe not to the extreme I’m planning, because I will eventually be trying 120 days without food using The Fasting Fatman’s routine, but I’ll be having frequent lab work and stress testing done, so calm yo chest meat.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. E.! You’re gonna kill yourself! Just eat healthy! Just change your routine! Just just JUST!

No. Shut up and listen.

I’m killing myself with food. The rationale, whether you agree with it or not, is that I’m going to die if I continue living this lifestyle, so I might as well go extreme and risk killing myself trying to reset my life. I appreciate the concern, but I cannot stress enough how bad it’s gotten.

I will be documenting every step of the process both here and on my YouTube channel, so if you want to see how I fair, drop me a subscription. I will be updating my YouTube channel on Sundays with weigh-ins and pictures and a video journal. If nothing else, it should serve as an interesting experiment.

Thank you in advance for your understanding and support. Take care of each other.

E.

The Fasting Fatman’s routine video:

 

A Sick Kid and Unexpected Awesomeness

Here’s me face!

DSCF6686

Extra points to anyone who can place the “Here’s me face” reference…

This past week was a really good week. Probably my best week of the year so far. I’m still waiting on a decent proof of No Home for Boys, but Cruelty & Joy (Episode One) came in and it looks sexy, so that’ll be going out toward the end of the month with the Pennies for the Damned preorders. Not sure what I’m going to do about No Home for Boys at this point. It seems like every time I fix something a new problem arises. I can’t keep blowing money on proofs. They’re $5 a pop, plus $4 shipping, so I’m out $9 plus tax every single time I order one. I’m on my fourth proof order. Something’s gotta give here, or else I’ll have to scrap the design and start from scratch. Patreon peeps have already been patient enough, but I wanna be happy with the final product, so decisions, decisions…

I seem to be back on track as far as reading is concerned. I finished The Eyes of Darkness last week, which was a buddy read with my friend Delee. She’s super awesome to buddy read with. I always have a blast reading with her. The back-and-forth jokes are numerous, and she can make the shittiest book feel like a breeze to get through. Which is basically what happened because we both ended up hating The Eyes of Darkness, yet both of us enjoyed reading it because we enjoy each other’s company, so to speak. The Eyes of Darkness is one of the books Koontz first published under the Leigh Nichols pen name that he eventually rewrote and published under the Koontz name. No telling why, because all the Nichols books I’ve read from him have been middling to terrible, The Eyes of Darkness being the worst one thus far. Next on our chronological readthrough of Koontz’s material is his 1981 novel, The Mask, a novel that, once again, was first published under a pseudonym, only this time under his Owen West moniker.

the more you know

Then, as a fluke, I picked up Quantum Leap: The Novel, and it’s pretty damn amazing. I know, I know, who would’ve thought?!? It was part of a stack of Quantum Leap books I picked up at a library sale when they had their fill-a-bag-for-a-buck sale going on. I brought a trash bag and made out like a bandit. Scored nine Quantum Leap books in all! Anyway, the writing in Quantum Leap: The Novel isn’t anything to… well, it’s nothing to write home about, but the story and the narrative voice are engaging and a whole bunch of fun. It captures the tone of the tv series perfectly. If you’re a fan of the show, I highly recommend picking up, at the very least, the first book in the series. Goodreads is a little confusing on which book came first, but the one I’m talking about can be found here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1920066.Quantum_Leap

“Oh boy…”

I read 120 pages in six hours last night. That’s unheard of for me. I recently did that with Your Life is Mine, by Nathan Ripley, but before that it had been months and months, easily over a year, since I read more than fifty pages of one book in a single day, much less a single sitting. I’ve been reading numerous books at one time for so long that I usually read twenty-five pages of one, thirty of another, maybe fifty pages of one that’s really, really good, and so on. But to read two books almost back to back with such lightning-fast narratives is rare for me. Especially when one of them is a novelization of a television show that’s been off the air for over two decades!

In suckier news, Chris is currently sick. I’ve been up all night with him. Not sure if it’s his reflux acting up, or if he caught a stomach bug, but he started throwing up around ten last night and only stopped at about three this morning. He couldn’t keep down a Zantac or a Tums, so I just had to ride it out with him. Finally he passed out from exhaustion, I think. He seems to be sleeping fine now, so my fingers are crossed that it was just his reflux. When he gets up, I’ll push fluids and we’ll take it from there.

How’re you guys doing? Whatcha reading? Seen any good movies lately? Update me in the doobly doo and I’ll catch you guys next Monday. Sorry for the short post today, but I’mma tired daddy.

Oh, before I forget, Thunderstorm books sent me an terrific gift. You can check that out in the videos at the end of this post.

Take care of each other,

E.

Hey, look! I didn’t mention social media once…

D’oh!

VIDJAS!