William Shakespeare as Written by Popular Novelists

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Feel free to share, but please give credit to E. or Edward Lorn. Thank you.

 

A Midsummer Night’s Dream, by Neil Gaiman

Sympathy had no choice. No, not at all. It was war, death, and sickness that caused it such horrible trouble. Very short, like a terrible dream. And quick, it was, like a shadow. And very, very British.

Her vagina gobbled up the darkness.

 

Romeo & Juliet, by Dean Koontz

But, smart! what golden retriever through yonder window breaks. It is man’s best friend, and Juliet is the blonde, wittily sarcastic love interest. Arise, fair precocious child, and follow the clairvoyant fry cook into danger.

 

Othello, by Chuck Palahniuk

I am Othello’s bubbling rage. Please replace your oar and chains to their upright position.

 

Hamlet, by Stephen King

“A hit! Ayuh, a very palpable hit!”

And hit he was. Because there was blood. Lots of blood. Loads of it. And didn’t it just drip, drip, drip onto the floor?

That’s your life just drip, drip, dripping onto the floor, Hammie. Reminds you of that poor girl, doesn’t it? (what was her name? the one those damn kids dropped that pig blood on?) All drip, drip, dripping and full of fiery rage. She burned down her castle, and ruined the ball. It was the same year that rabid dog trapped that mother and her little boy in their car. You remember. Eventually, everyone remembers.

Now all this party needed was a clown, if you could but dig.

 

The Taming of the Shrew, by James Patterson

SHREW, the new thrill ride by James Patterson. And introducing William Shakespeare.

 

Do you have a popular novelist you’d like to see rewrite a bit of Shakespeare? If so, drop your suggestions in the comment section of this post, and I will do my best.

 

Later!

 

E.

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WHAT THE DARK BRINGS (Signed Limited Edition) Pre-Orders Now Available!

This trade paperback run of pre-orders is limited to ten numbered copies. After this batch is sold out, you will still be able to buy copies through amazon, but I will not be signing future editions. There will be no hardcover version of this book. Also, this limited edition is six bucks cheaper than the Amazon version – $9.99 versus $16.99 – because I’m able to get a discount when ordering direct from Createspace.

If you would like a personalized message from me, please leave a note with your payment. Click on the image below for access to the purchase portal.

Thank you for your support.

E.

 

 

 

CRAWL (Author’s Preferred Edition) Giveaway!

From an upcoming interview:

 

Maria Hunter Welles provides the performance of a lifetime. Her narration of Edward Lorn’s novelette, CRAWL, is the author’s preferred edition. We got a chance to ask him why.

Edward Lorn says: “CRAWL, by itself, is fine and whatnot, but Maria’s performance makes this piece extraordinary. She brings life and passion to the work, and Julie truly breathes and bleeds. You don’t listen to this audio book, you experience it.” 

I promise this is not lip-service, jaw-jacking, or smoke being blown up your ass. I truly feel this way. The text version of CRAWL pales in comparison to Maria’s performance, and I’d much rather have people listen to her version than read the ebook. Maria captured every character’s voice and personality perfectly. She also managed to perform Silas (the thing in the woods) as I originally intended, in a way that I believe I failed to get across on the written page. You truly must listen to this one to believe it. Maria put her heart and soul into CRAWL, and I want to share her with everyone. This isn’t your typical audio book. It’s a stage performance with an entire cast, or one of those old dramatized radio programs.

So here’s your chance to win one of five copies. Click on the image below to enter the giveaway here on Booklikes, but be quick about it, as the promotion is only a week long. Oh, and share away!
One more thing, if you want to hear a sample, clich HERE.

“Zzyzx Rd.” by Stone Sour

Back in December 2013, I noted that I wanted to change directions as far as my writing was concerned. I had some things to wrap up and see to completion, and now that everything’s as well taken care of as possible I believe I can step away for a while without anyone having a nervous breakdown. I will be reachable on social media until May 5th. If you need me for anything, catch me before then. After Cinco de Mayo, I will go completely dark, and do not know when I will return. During this time, I will not be posting reviews or updates on what I’m reading, nor will I be doing promos for any of my published material. All that can wait until my return. I’ll post an official “Goodbye For Now” before I vanish on May 6th that will detail what you can expect from me when I return.

I think this song covers well enough the last several months of my life on the internet, and it just so happens to start with Z, so I can close out my A to Z Blogging Challenge with it as well. Don’t you just love it when stuff comes together all wrapped up nice and neat with a bow on top? I know I do.

Until next time…

E.

“Zzyzx Rd.” by Stone Sour

I don’t know how else to put this
It’s taken me so long to do this
I’m falling asleep and I can’t see straight
My muscles feel like a melee
My body’s curled in a U-shape
I put on my best but I’m still afraid

Propped up by lies and promises
Saving my place as life forgets
Maybe its time I saw the world

I’m only here for a while
But patience is not my style
And I’m so tired that I gotta go

What am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
Did you really think I wouldn’t see this through

Tell me I should stick around for you
Tell me I could have it all
I’m still too tired to care and I gotta go

I get to go home in one week
But I leaving home in three weeks
They throw me a bone just to pick me dry

I’m following suit and directions
I crawl up inside for protection
I’m told what to do and I don’t know why

I’m over existing in limbo
I’m over the myths and placebos
I don’t really mind if I just fade away

I’m ready to live with my family
I’m ready to die in obscurity
‘Cause I’m so tired that I gotta go

Where am I supposed to hide now?
What am I suppose to do?
You still don’t think I’m going see this through

Tell me I’m a part of history
Tell me I can have it all
I’m still to tired to care and I gotta go

Oh yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go
Still too tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah, yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Go home

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Yeah yeah

Still to tired to care and I gotta go

Ruminating On: Q&A Tagging Shenanigans

Jeff Brackett tagged me in this craziness, so I must comply, lest he showers me with his hose… Scratch that, reverse it… or something like that. Anyballs, here’s the dealio: He tagged me, gave me four questions to answer, then tasked me with finding another author/blogger to pass the torch to. Who I chose will be at the end of the interview. Now, without further anal dew…

What are you currently working on?

Yo momma! Was that rude? Probably…

Anyway, what was the question? Oh, you want to know about my current writing projects! Well then, Unnamed Imaginary Interviewer, why didn’t you say so?

Linton Bowers and I just wrapped up PORT IN A STORM, the first book in a series of three or more, and we’re waiting on beta readers to return from their sabbaticals with valuable intel. After we chew the fat over their suggestions, we’ll ship the book off to editing. And we all know that’s when the real fun starts (cue lackadaisical trumpet!). Then, moving from the back burner to the red-hot eye that is my work-in-progress shelf, we have CHUCKLERS, my collaboration with Jeff Brackett (the sadistic bastard who talked me into doing this interview you’re reading now). In the near future I have JXSAVES, which is the novel-length follow up to my novelette, CRAWL. JXSAVES takes place before and after the events of the first book. I’ll more than likely be combining the two into one big volume when I’m done. Speaking of combining stuffs, my ongoing serial, CRUELTY, is still a thing. Working on getting Episode Five out, then I’m taking a much needed break until August so that I might be able to have the last five episodes spat upon and polished like fine urban china. Let’s see, what else? I have three shorter projects in the wings, either being written or awaiting editing dates, but those titles are for another time.

How does your work differ from others in its genre?

Answering this question would be to assume that I am unique. A fragile snowflake I am not. There are plenty of horror authors who write the kind of stuff I write, which is either horror with heart or themed horror. Above all I think I’m more of a situational author (and yes, I stole that terminology from Stephen King, but it’s apt in this conversation.) I put my characters in a certain situation and see if they survive. I do appreciate a good twist, so I try to throw in a slice of the unexpected somewhere within every piece. This has been well received and hated in equal amounts. Some people don’t like being tricked, and an even greater number do not like open endings. LIFE AFTER DANE and CRAWL are perfect examples of the mercurial tastes of readers. Both books have completely open endings, but one has been better received than the other.

At the end of the day, I don’t think I’m any better or worse than anyone, and I can’t lay a finger on a single quality of my writing that is unique to me. I can be as gory as Edward Lee, as strange as Bentley Little, as verbose as Barker, as introspective as Koontz or King, as classy as McCammon, or as brutal as Ketchum, but I think that is why my work appeals to so many, because I’m able to jump fences like a crackhead with cops on his heels. You never know what you’re going to get when you open one of my books, and I dig that about me.

Why do you write what you do?

Why do you watch reptile porn while slathered in Elmer’s glue? Well, I write horror for the same reason—I like my voyeuristic endeavors coldblooded and sticky. I keed, I keed. I was raised around horror. My sisters (who are twelve and fourteen years older than me) used to love slasher films and bloody action/adventure/science fiction flicks when they were younger, that was before they grew up and had kids, of course. Now they squirm at the mere mention of cartoon violence. I remember being allowed to watch Witchboard and Friday the 13th while they were tasked with babysitting their baby bro. They sneaked me into Robocop the year it was released, and 1987 will always be one of the best years of my life. Then, in 1989, my mom thought it’d be cool to take her nine-year-old son along with her to watch Pet Semetary  at a drive-in with one of her best friends, a chain-smoking, Nurse-Ratched-type lady named Andrita. I recall hiding in the floor space behind the driver’s seat while Rachael has that flashback where her emaciated sister with the twisted spine rushes from the bed toward the camera. Little known fact: The person that played Rachael’s sister was a man. I can still hear him cackling. Anywho, after that, I couldn’t get my hands on enough Stephen King. Luckily, Mom was a member of his book club, and around the third of every month a new tome of terror would arrive. Delores Claiborne was my first taste of King, and I’ve been devouring his work ever since. I guess my choice of genre was predestined. To this day, whenever I’m surfing Netflix or at a Redbox kiosk, I still pick through the horror selections first. Same with the library or bookstores. I have to see what’s new in the scares department.

How does your writing process work?

I sit down and write. Not much else to say on the matter. I’ve recently begun plotting, but only because I’m working on several collaborations, and it’s difficult writing by the seat of your pants when you have someone else depending on you not screwing up all their hard work. Why don’t you ask my buddy, Linton, all these questions? Oh, and while you’re over there, tell him to shave. My balls are getting carpet burn. Here where you can find him:

Twitter: @LintBow

Booklikes: Drawing with Words

Website: www.lintonbowers.com

Ruminating On: Idioms

I’ve bent over backward trying to find a topic today, but I feel as if I’m barking up the wrong tree. Racing against the clock, I finally found a post I don’t want to eighty-six. I know you’re foaming at the mouth, but bear with me while I get down to brass tacks. I’m working the graveyard shift on multiple projects and not one of them are close to being in the bag. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Sometimes I want to pass the buck, I do, but it makes me sick as a dog when I consider finding a scapegoat for my problems. Am I wagging the dog? Perhaps. Without a doubt, I’m on the fence. Alas, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, so I’ve buckled down to get myself off the hook. Off the record, I’m on pins and needles over here. Make no bones about it, I’m not playing with a full deck. So, before I get too long in the tooth, I shall level the playing field. If idle hands are the devil’s playthings, it would serve you well to remember that it takes two to tango. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, right?

Ruminating On: Giraffes

What do you get if you remove a camel’s hump and make it swallow a telephone pole? You guessed it! Giraffa camelopardalis is the largest known ruminant (Perhaps the reason I chose it for Ruminating On today? Mayhap, indeed.) Ruminants are a species of animal that acquires its nutrients by brewing food in a second stomach, much like cows and Sarah Palin. In fact, “rumination” is another word for “chewing cud”. To be as technical as humanly possible: [From Wikipedia, because that site’s NEVER wrong] The word “ruminant” comes from the Latin ruminare, which means “to chew over again”. A fountain of knowledge, me. Well, me and Wiki, anyway.

With all this new knowledge bouncing around inside these mostly inactive mind of ours (remember, we only use ten percent of our brains), is it any wonder that I chose Giraffes as the topic of discussion today? Actually, I’m just really fucking tired. The kids had their checkups today, and I had to be up at the ass-crack of dawn (that’s just after nine a.m. here) to usher them off to see their new Poker Prodder. Autumn had her first piss-quiz and passed with a B. Then, when their sadomasochistic nurse stuck Chris with not one but two hypodermic devices of torture, my son shrieked on par with Maria Carey attempting to shatter wine glasses. Life doesn’t get much funner. (“Funner” is a word? Well piss on my head and call me a canary in a rainstorm, you learn something new everyday.) After that, we went grocery shopping. Wife cooked dinner. The troop ate. All in the Lorn Complex were sated. And old E.? Well, he feels like he just tried to lasso a giraffe with silly putty. (I’ll let that image sink in… )

I’m not complaining. I love my family and the life we all share together. But, sometimes, one can become bone tired without having done a fucking thing. I wish I could be witty and entertaining on this eighth day of April, 2014, but the Funny Train left the station with the last fuck I had to give and its arrival at the next destination has been delayed due to a log jam. Did I mention I’m constipated?

What?