Starry Eyes Movie Review

This will more than likely make some kind of Best of 2015 list, at least where I’m concerned. I love stories about the seedy side of Hollywood. I fucking adore films that do not give up all their secrets within the first ten minutes. And I dig the shit out of slow burns that go from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. Starry Eyes is all this and more.

Hot damn, but I had a load of fun with this film. First, it will make you dreadfully uncomfortable. I’m not talking about Bad Grampa/Jackass-awkward kind of uncomfortable, but that kind of uncomfortable where you grope for your significant other while chomping the nails of your other hand. Starry Eyes has atmosphere, it has a story, it has a wide variety of believable, three-dimensional characters, even if some are cliches. It has one of the fiercest, goriest, cringe-inducing denouements in recent memory. And when shit starts going wrong, it goes horribly, terribly wrong.

I didn’t quite understand the very last death scene. Not sure what happened or how a certain person died, but oh well. The rest of the film makes up for any small problems I might have had.

In summation: The only word of warning I’d give you I have already stated. This is a slow burn. Hang in there. It all pays off.

Final Judgment: A star is born.


Preservation Movie Mini-Review

The mo-cap actor from 2011’s Game of the Year L.A. Noire, his Lucille Ball-impersonator wife, and some guy doing a cosplay of Shane from The Walking Dead go into the woods where they are hunted down. The film then turns into a piss-poor revenge flick that takes a big sturdy turd on logic. Probably the stupidest well-shot movie I’ve seen this year. I don’t understand how shit like this gets a budget, or how obviously talented filmmakers and actors come together over such a clusterfuck of a script.

In summation: The only way out is to climb over a crumbling rock face, but somehow the killers make it there no problem on their mountain bikes. Fuck you, Movie.

Final Judgment: R. Kelly wouldn’t piss on this.

The Babadook Movie Review

Is The Babadook the scariest movie I’ve seen? I’m not sure yet. It’s making me scour the web and my movie collection for a more terrifying experience, that’s for sure.

I will saw this much. It’s the most original take on the boogeyman that I’ve seen. It has one of the best third acts I’ve laid eyes on. And the only film I can compare it to is Kubrick’s version of The Shining. But I’m not going to tell you why. You have to find out for yourself.

The premise is simple. Little kid sees monsters. Mom is worn out because terrified kid won’t let her sleep. Kid becomes a problem at school. Then, the questions begin. Is the Babadook real or imagined? Is this kid crazy? Is Momma batshit? Is someone stalking them? There’s much what-the-fuckery afoot, but it’s all the good kind.

The acting absolutely must be mentioned. The kid who plays Samuel sold his role. I bought that performance whole hog. The lady who plays his mother owns the final act. Bravo. Standing ovation, and all that jazz. I’ve not seen a performance that good in a horror movie in a long time. Everyone else serves their purposes in their roles, but the real stars of the show are the mother and her son. This movie’s success rested on the believability of their plight, and I believed it. Hot damn, did I believe it.

Which brings me back around to scare factor. I cannot remember the last time I checked the shadows during a movie, or jumped at every little sound. The atmosphere of this film very nearly drips off the screen. And the more I think about it, the more I cannot think of a scarier film. I was yelling at the screen, and even chewing my thumb at one point.

The sounds production is equally amazing. There’s music when there should be music, and none when their should be none. There are things herein I’ve never heard before, and I watch a lot of horror movies. The score adds to the dread factor, and you’re always left satisfied by the build ups. There’s no sharp molested-violin jump scares coming at you every five seconds.

In summation: I’ve heard the hipsters complaining that this film doesn’t live up to the hype. I’ve heard horror aficionados say it’s not really that scary. I’ve heard heavy-lidded morons say that Paranormal Activity is a better film. I’m here to say, this movie scared the fuck out of me. No more fuck left. Gone. Yes, I watched it in the dark with headphones on, so I guess I cheated. But horror is meant to be an intimate experience. And like comedy, you have to be in the mood for it. Will the same lightning strike you? How the hell should I know? This is my experience, and I’m owning it. Everyone else can kiss my ass. Buy it. Watch it. Experience it.